New Beginnings

Jamál (Beauty), 12 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Sunday, December 23, 2012 about 1:40 P.M. Pacific Time

It is Sunday afternoon. It is the beginning of a new week. In about eight days, a New Year will begin. A new week, a New Year, new beginnings and I am not sure whether I am looking forward to the New Year or dreading it. I guess looking forward is the better of the two options.

There will be many changes for me in 2013. I expect to move to a new residence, to a smaller place. The coming year will be my first year without my mother in my life. It is strange, but before this year; before December I could not imagine what my life would be without her. I think the best thing to do is just to take one-day-at-a-time, but I need to make some plans for the New Year.

The only thing I can do is make plans and place each day in God’s hands. I know that eventually everything will work out. I have to have patience and faith. Right now, I want to sit down and cry; I will cry later on because now I have laundry to hang up and dishes to finish washing. I also have another blog entry to make and some reviews to do on writing.com.

A Sparrow Singing

Jalál (Glory), 11 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Saturday, December 22, 2012 about 8:35 A.M. Pacific Time

a sparrow singing

in the cold December dawn

a new day begins

I heard a bird singing about dawn this morning. I think the bird was a sparrow perching in the oak tree next door. As I listened to it sing, I remembered a December morning several years ago when Mom and I sat on the living room couch listening to sparrows sing.

When Mom was younger and healthy, she always liked to get up before dawn to get her day started. Mom was an early riser, who did not like to sleep in. It did not matter what the season, Mom liked to get up before dawn and begin housework. I miss those mornings with Mom, listening to birds sing or the morning news.

a sparrow singing

in the cold December dawn

the end of the week

Missing Mama on Sunday Morning

Jamál (Beauty), 5 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Sunday, December 16, 2012 about 10:05 Pacific Time

I know it will get easier as time goes by. Eventually, I will not wake up in the middle of the night listening for her voice or for the oxygen compressor. This morning I set at the computer, I look toward the couch where Mom usually sat watching me at the computer. Mom loved to watch me type stories or blog entries.

Now, I look toward the spot where here wheelchair usually sat. I expect to see her wave or smile at me. I expect to hear her ask for something to eat. When I get up from the computer, I want to go over where her wheelchair usually sat and kiss her on the head, but Mom is not there. Mom will never be sitting there again.

I know she is in a better place. Mom is in paradise with her parents. I know she is happy. I know Mom wants me to be happy, but the only thing I can do right now is cry because she is not with me. I am cooking for one now and I do not like to cook for one person. I cannot cook for one person, so I cook for two people and eat leftovers the next day.

The Struggle goes on

Jalál (Glory), 4 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Saturday, December 15, 2012 about 3:45 P.M. Pacific Time

It’s Saturday afternoon in Las Vegas and the struggle goes on. What struggle you may ask, the struggle to clean out my mother’s closet, to clean off her dresser, and to write. I’m doing all right with the writing, the problem comes in when cleaning out the closet.

I have to give most of my mother’s clothes away and I don’t want to. However, I can’t wear them. I can wear very few of my mother’s clothes and I don’t want to keep a closet full of clothes I can’t wear, so the only option is to give them away. I suppose I could have a yard or garage sale, but I’m not feeling up to doing that. 

I’m not sure why I’m having so much difficulty cleaning out a closet. I took some of the clothes out of the closet and brought them into the living room. They are lying on a bar stool waiting for me to go through them and put them in bags to give away. Sometimes I want to get someone else to go through the clothes, but this is something I feel I have to do myself.

That Time of Afternoon in Las Vegas

Fidál (Grace), 19 Qawl (Speech), 169 BE – Tuesday, December 11, 2012 about 1:60 P.M. Pacific Time

It’s that time of afternoon, when weariness sets in. That time of day, when not matter how many cups of coffee I drink both my body and mind want a nap. I have so much writing and housework to do that I don’t want to go to sleep. Unfortunately, my body wants a short nap.

I’m tired. I’m yawning. I want to get away from the computer and doze off for a little while. I don’t want to sleep very long because I have work to do. Tonight is the Feast of Questions and I want to be awake enough to drive to the Feast and back safely.

I suppose the only thing to do is to pick up my prayer book and go to the couch. If I don’t take a nap I’m going to continue to node and yawn. Since I want to attend feast I will let this be that time of afternoon when I nap.

Sunday Afternoon in Las Vegas

the wind is blowing

yellow oak leaves are scattered

across black asphalt

I think I am going to have to start sweeping or raking up the leaves in my gutter. I noticed today when I returned from the grocery store that there are yellow oak leaves cluttering the street in front of my house. I will have to sweep or rack them up when the wind goes down. If I do that job when the wind is still blowing, it is going to make my allergies worse.

Excruciating

Istiqlál (Independence), 15 Qawl (Speech), 169 BE – Friday, December 7, 2012 about 2:30 P.M. Pacific Time

Mama died on November 29; that was nine days ago. Mama’s funeral was yesterday. Sometimes I still feel as if I am walking in a fog. I still wake up in the middle of the night listening for my name. No matter how Alzheimer’s disease ravaged Mom’s brain, she still remembered my name. There were times when I did not know if she thought I was her mother or her daughter, but she still remembered my name.

I wonder what I am going to do now. I have more free time, perhaps too much free time. I miss Mama so much; to say it hurts is an understatement. I am a writer and you would think I could find a term to express the pain of losing Mom.  No word I know for pain describes what I am feeling. I am not sure there is a word to describe the lose and pain of losing the woman who gave you life.

Day Six without Mama

Kamál (Perfection), 12 Qawl (Speech), 169 BE – Tuesday, December 4, 2012 6:30 AM Pacific Time

I count the days Mom has been gone. This is day six without her. This morning I woke up listening for her voice calling my name. Mom’s soul passed into paradise on the morning of Thursday, November 29, 2012. I do not know the precise time, but I do know it was later in the morning.

On the morning of Friday, November 30, 2012, the company that provided them picked up the oxygen compressor, wheelchairs, walker, and hospital bed. Then on Friday afternoon, we planned the funeral, which will occur on Thursday, December 6. Perhaps then, the reality of the situation will hit me.

Day six without Mama, I go through periods of numbness and tears. I wake up at night listening for her voice or for the sound of the oxygen compressor echoing through the house. I wonder what I will do will out her and then I realize that I will survive. My mother survived her birth. My mother gave birth to survivors. I am my mother’s daughter and I will survive.

Day six without Mama and I remember that this will be the first birthday I celebrate without her. I was born on December 24, 1946; on December 24, 2012, I will be 66 years old. I will celebrate my birthday because birthdays are celebrations or commemorations of joyful exuberance or at least without tears. I miss Mama.

My Method of Mourning

Jalál (Glory), 9 Qawl (Speech), 169 BE – Saturday, December 1, 2012 about 9:20 A.M. Pacific Time

My mother died on the morning of November 29, 2012. On the afternoon, of November 30, 2012 we, my sister, one brother, and I, with the help of someone from the mortuary, planned Mom’s funeral. This morning, I wrote a poem about her soul ascending into paradise and submitted it to a contest on writing.com.

As I was reading the poem again, after someone reviewed it, I realized that my method of mourning was to write. My method of dealing with anything is to write. Sometimes I find writing difficult in the middle of a crisis, but if I push on and let one word follow another then I can cope with the situation. I just have to place everything in God’s hands, sit down at the computer, open a document, and write.

Sometimes it’s difficult to write about the tests I’m facing in the midst of the crisis, at those time I have to write about something else or begin a free write. If I use a free write then eventually the problem show up in the writing and I find a solution or comfort.

Thanksgiving approaches

Fidál (Grace), 17 Qudrat (Power), 169 BE – Tuesday, November 20, 2012 about 2:25 P.M. Pacific Time

Thanksgiving is Thursday and I think we will have canned chicken with some type of canned vegetable. I’ll miss the turkey or, at least, I think I’ll miss the turkey. I have to go to the store on Wednesday to purchase laundry detergent, but I don’t think I’ll buy any type of turkey unless it’s a frozen dinner.

This has been a strange year. I think our situation is getting better, but I’m not sure right now. I’m still trying to scrape the money together to have the area around the hot water tank brought up to code. I’m still warming water in the microwave for baths and dish washing.

I’m impatient. I know everything will work out; it’s just not working out fast enough. Oh well, on Thursday I write my gratitude list for the week or for the year. That depends on how I feel Thursday; Mom will be home Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday this week, so I don’t know how much time I will have to write or do anything else.

Hand-me-ups a new phenomenon in my household

Istijlál (Majesty), 12 Qudrat (Power), 169 BE – Thursday, November 15, 2012 about 1:05 P.M. Pacific Time

I am the oldest of four children. I have one sister and two brothers, so I understand the concept of hand-me-downs. When I grew out of my clothes, they passed to my sister. When the older of my two brothers out grew his clothes, they passed down to my youngest brother.

Since the doctor diagnosed my mother with Alzheimer’s disease, I have experienced a new phenomenon, which I call hand-me-ups. My mother forgets that she has eaten and thus thinks she has not eaten. As a result, she began gaining weight, which was all right at first because my mother’s weight went down to 95 pounds. My mother has outgrown her clothes, so now I am giving her some of mine. Instead of handing the clothes down to a sibling, I am handing the up to my mother; therefore, I call them hand-me-ups.

Machine Washable

Kamál (Perfection), 9 Qudrat (Power), 169 BE – Monday, November 12, 2012 about 10:35 A.M. Pacific Time

I want my entire wardrobe to be machine washable. I do not want to take clothes to the dry cleaners. With the exception of compression stockings, I do not want to wash clothes by hand. I do not want to take a damp rag and wash a piece of clothing off. I want everything to be machine washable.

I am giving away every piece of clothing in the house (except my compression stockings) that I cannot wash in an automatic washer. I do not have the time or the money to take clothes to the dry cleaners. I do not have time to wash sweaters by hand and then lay them out to dry. I do not mind washing the sweaters in the machine and then laying them out to dry. I do not want any more coats that say, “If dirty take a damp rag and wash it off” because I know I will not wash the coat off with a damp rag. Instead, I will simply hang the coat in the closet whether it is dirty or not.

The compression stockings are the exception because, the doctor says, I have to wear them. I can wash them out in the bathroom sink at night, hang them in the shower, and they will be dry by morning. It is a simple procedure, almost as simple and easy as washing clothes in a machine and drying them.

Haibun-Haiku: Veterans’ Day, Sunday, November 11, 2012

Jamál (Beauty), 8 Qudrat (Power), 169 BE – Sunday, November 11, 2012 about 9:15 A.M. Pacific Time

The morning is chilly. The wind is blowing. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. I look out my window at the house across the street. The Stars and Strips are waving in the wind. The morning sun illuminates the waving flag.

morning sun shining
flag waves in an autumn breeze
thank you to veterans

Cloudy and Chilly in Las Vegas

Jalál (Glory), 7 Qudrat (Power), 169 BE – Saturday, November 10, 2012 about 4:08 PM Pacific Time

It isn’t cold in Las Vegas; it’s chilly and the sky is mostly cloudy. I’m wearing a long sleeved dress and a sweater. I haven’t worn the sweater all day. Until about ten minutes ago, the sleeves of the dress kept my arms warm. I think the problem is the humidity, it’s high enough for it to effect me.

The sweater with the long sleeved dress is enough to keep my arms warm. I’m 65 years old, so the chill in the air has a greater effect on me then it would someone younger. My mother, who is 91 years old, has been cold all day. Mom gets cold quicker then I do, so today I wrapped her in a cap and put a blanket over her legs. Those seemed to keep her warm, but since sunset is coming on, I’m getting ready to put her to bed.

At night, Mom keeps warmer in bed then setting up in the wheelchair. That’s because she is covered with a sheet and blankets. Right now, she only has one blanket over the sheet at night, but as the months get colder I will put more blankets over her. I suppose I can look forward to feeling colder as I get older.

Thankful Thursday November 8, 2012

Istijlál (Majesty), 5 Qudrat (Power), 169 BE – Thursday, November 8, 2012 about 11:30 A.M. Pacific Time

Today I am thankful ...

1. that I was able to transfer Mom from her bed to the wheelchair without her slipping onto the floor
2. that I went outside before dawn to pick up today’s newspaper because I saw the morning star
3. that I have someone coming in Monday through Friday to give my mother a shower
4. for the partly cloudy sky in Las Vegas that is becoming completely cloudy as the day advances
5. for writing.com

I think I need to buy a walker

Fidál (Grace), 3 Qudrat (Power), 169 BE – Tuesday, November 6, 2012 about 4:55 PM Pacific Time

I have been putting off admitting this for several months, but I think I need to buy myself a walker. I have osteoarthritis, which makes it difficult to walk. In addition, I have hurt my knees a few times in the past couple of months and this makes walking even more difficult. Today, when I went to vote, I used Mom’s walker because I knew I would have to walk a longer distance then normal.

The walker helped walking into my polling place and walking back to the car. I was not as tired after I returned to the car. I need to price them to see how much they cost and I need to see if my insurance will pay part of the cost. I also need to see if my insurance limits the type of walker I can purchase.

Did you turn your clocks back Sunday morning?

Kamál (Perfection), 2 Qudrat (Power), 169 BE – Monday, November 5, 2012 about 7:30 AM Pacific Time

Daylight savings time ended Sunday, November 4, at 2:00 AM. Did you turn your clocks back before you went to bed Saturday night? Did you turn your clocks back when you woke up Sunday morning? Fortunately, for those of use who have a computer connected to the internet, a cable box with a digital clock, or a cell phone, we did not have to anything to be on time because an app automatically changed the time.

The only clocks in the house I had to turn back is the one on the coffee maker and the microwave. I still have to turn the clock back on the microwave, but I am not worried about that clock because it does not affect the use of the microwave. I turned the clock on the coffee maker back this morning because I may want to set the brew time. I have not used that particular feature on the coffee maker yet, but there is always the possibility I may want to use it.

I thin I am going to start using the automatic brew time this winter. It means I have to make sure there water is in the tank and coffee grounds in the basket the night before, but I normally set those things up the night before anyway. The only reason I have not been using it is leftover coffee, which I warm up in the microwave the next day.

Haibun-Haiku: The First Saturday in November

Jalál (Glory), 19 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 169 BE – Saturday, November 3, 2012 about 12:25 PM Pacific Time

a neighbor’s dog barks
an oleander is dead
no more pink flowers

The pink oleander, which grows or rather grew by the back fence, is dead and I think the red one is dying. I am not sure what is killing them because the white oleanders are blooming and the rest of the weeds in the backyard are growing like weeds. All right, that is how weeds are supposed to grow.

The dog in the yard behind the fence is barking this morning. He or she does not normally bark, so I have no idea what is causing the dog’s problem. I did not see any one or anything unusual in the backyard when I looked out the kitchen window. The dog could be barking at one of the neighborhood cats; one cat likes to bate this particular dog. Perhaps because the cat knows that the dog will not do him or her any harm.

I suppose I have to have the dead oleander removed; however, I think I will wait until after I use the plant as inspiration for a story or poem. The mystery of why the oleander died would make a good story plot because oleanders are weeds (my own opinion) and weeds are hard to eradicate, especially oleanders. I know, I have tried having them removed and they just come back.

Mom, we have indoor plumbing

Istiqlál (Independence), 18 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 169 BE – Friday, November 2, 2012 about 10:35 A.M. Pacific Time

This morning, after I got Mom out of bed and into the living room, she asked to go to the bathroom. Before taking her in the bathroom, I had to put the Gate belt (this is the belt I use to help transfer to from one piece of furniture to another) on. Next, I took her walker into the bathroom because I need it to help transfer her from place to place. After that, I took Mom into the bathroom and got her situated on the proper piece of equipment.

Mom suffers from Alzheimer's disease, which affect her memory and her emotions. Mom go angry and kept insisting she wanted to go to the bathroom. I explained that we were in the bathroom and also about the toilet. She kept insisting that we were not in the bathroom and that she was not sitting on the toilet.

"Mom," I said, " where do you want to go?"

"Outside," she replied.

That is when I realized that Mom thought we had an outhouse rather then an indoor toilet. I said, "Mom, we now have indoor plumbing." It took me a while to convince her that we did not need to go outside to find the bathroom, but eventually she accepted the fact. However, I am now convinced that Mom thinks she still lives on a farm in Oklahoma. Mom was born and raised on a farm, so this belief makes sense when I consider that she is slowly forgetting the present.

Thankful Thursday: November 1, 2012

Istijlál (Majesty), 17 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 169 BE – Thursday, November 1, 2012 about 5:40 P.M. Pacific Time

It is the first Thursday in November and I am thankful for powdered milk. I mixed a pitcher of it today so that I can have milk on my cereal. I prefer mixing dry milk for my cereal, I usually do not drink it unless I put some time of chocolate in it, but I will use it for my cereal.

I am thankful that I live in Las Vegas because the weather is usually nice in fall and winter. It does not get too cold or too hot in either season.

I am thankful that detergent companies make laundry detergent for cold water because I am washing clothes in cold water. I would prefer warm or hot water, but I still do not have a working hot water heater.

I am thankful for the clouds, which rolled into Las Vegas today. I look out my living room window and watch the clouds turn pink and red in the sunset. The clouds do not bring rain, but they are so beautiful at sunset that it does not matter if it we get rain.

A cloudy sunset in Las Vegas

‘Idál (Justice), 16 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 169 BE – Wednesday, October 31, 2012 about 5:30 P.M Pacific Time

sunset is cloudy
white clouds reflecting sunlight
a weary day ends

The clouds are rolling in making Las Vegas cooler. Today the temperatures were in the middle eighties, but tomorrow in seventies. It is a nice night for Trick or Treating; however, I'm not giving out candy this year. I turned off the front porch light and the light in the entrance hall. The only on in the house are on the back porch and in the kitchen.

I have to leave a light on in the kitchen so that I don't stumble over the garden hose. My garden hose connected to my nonworking water heater and stretches through the kitchen and dining room. It goes out the patio doors to the yard. I had to drain the water heater that way so that it wouldn't drain all over my floor. I think water is still going into it because the puddle in the back yard isn't drying up. In fact, I think the puddle is getting larger.

Toot my Horn Tuesday October 30, 2012

Fidál (Grace), 15 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 169 BE – Tuesday, October 30, 2012 about 9:30 AM Pacific Time

1. I am finally caught up on the laundry, so I don't have three or four baskets waiting to be washed. I have all the light winter blanket washed and ready to put on the beds, which is good because we've needed blankets on the bed the past few days.

2. I have the financial books caught up for October and the only thing left to do is to close them out on October 31, so that I'm ready for November.

Another day at home in Las Vegas

Istijlál (Majesty), 10 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 169 BE – Thursday, October 25, 2012 about 1:50 PM Pacific Time

Another day spent at home mopping water off the floor. All right, I didn't use a mop instead I placed newspaper where the water was draining from the hot water heater. In addition, I attached a garden hose to the hot water heater to see if I could drain some of the water into the kitchen sink, but not water came out. I'm not sure what is causing the problem. The only thing I'm sure of is that when I stand by the hot water tank (which is turned off) I hear water dripping so I know the tank is causing the problem. The issue with the water draining onto my floor should be solved when I get a new hot water heater.

I can't have a new tank installed until I bring some items up to code. I'm in the process of getting that accomplished now. Since this is Thursday, I doubt the tank will be installed this week. This means another week of heating water in the mircorwave for dishes and sponge baths. I'm tired of this, but I'm not sure that there is much I can do about it.

I have to go to the grocery store on Friday. I don't like leaving the house with water draining onto my floor; however, I need to get laundry detergent, bread, and chocolate ice cream. I also have to purchase more hot chocolate mix and a few other items. I don't want to purchase anything until after I get everything up to code and the hot water tank in, but I to buy some stuff.

 

The hot water heater is still draining

Fidál (Grace), 8 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 169 BE – Tuesday, October 23, 2012 about 4:20 PM Pacific Time


The hot water heater is still draining, it’s draining cold water because it is shut off, but it’s still draining. I woke up Monday morning to find water on my living room floor because the hot water tank sprung a leak. Today the tank is still draining and this to shall pass or be soaked up by sheets and blankets.

I’m getting a new water heater as soon as I have everything brought up to code. I have to have earthquake straps, a protective cover for the power cord, and a shutoff switch near the water heater installed. After I take care of those things, my home warranty company will have a plumber install a new hot water heater and I can take a hot shower again. At present, I’m heating water in the microwave for sponge baths and to wash dishes. I’m washing the clothes in cold water, it won’t hurt the sheet and towels to be washed in cold water for a while. I’m also mopping the floors are in cold water, which is all right for a little while.

Sunday Morning Thoughts: October 21, 2012

Jamal (Beauty), 6 'Ilm (Knowledge), 169 B.E. - Sunday, October 21, 2012 about 9:40 A.M. Pacific Time The plumber came yesterday and unclogged the sink, so now I can wash clothes and dishes. After the plumber left I washed the dishes from Friday and Saturday; fortunately, there weren't very many dishes from Friday to wash. This morning I finished the dishes, because I didn't do a room check before dumping the dishwater last night, and then washed two loads of laundry. I still have a couple of loads of sheets to wash, but those will have to wait until later today.

I'm tired and I don't think it has anything to do with the laundry or the dishes. True, I can't stand on my feet very long at a time; however, that has nothing to do with getting tired. It's the pain in my knees that prevent me from standing up for more then five or ten minutes at a time. It doesn't take more then ten minutes to was dishes if I don't have to let them sit because of a clogged drain.

The stuff I have under the sink doesn't work very well when the drain is clogged. I will try putting in down the drain once a month to see if that prevents the drain from clogging. Normally, I have problems with a clogged drain once or twice a year. The problem is that the drain always becomes clogged at an inconvenient time; specifically, when I have dishes to wash and several loads of dirty laundry. At these times, the plumber can't come until the next day.

Waiting for a plumber in Las Vegas

Istiqlal (Independence), 4 'Ilm (Knowledge), 169 B.E. - Friday, October 19, 2012 about 5:05 PM Pacific Time

The kitchen sink is clogged and I can't run the garbage disposal without it backing up. I have an appointment for a plumber on Saturday, October 20, between 3 and 6 PM. So I'm not washing dishes or doing laundry until after the plumber arrives and unclogs the sink. I'm probably being over cautious, but with clogged plumbing it's better to be over cautious.

I don't want to be doing laundry and have the pipes overflow. I hate mopping up dirty water from an overflowing drain, so I find something else to do while I'm waiting for the plumber. All right, this is my own fault because I didn't contact the plumber last night when I found out the sink was clogged. If I had contacted the plumber yesterday, it's possible I could have gotten a technition in today to unclog the drains.

Tuesday Thoughts on the first of Ilm

Fidal (Grace), 1 Ilm (Knowledge), 169 B.E. - October 16, 2012 about 10:00 A.M. Pacific Time

It is the first of Ilm (Knowledge) and I am home alone. Mom is at the adult daycare center where I think she is having fun. When Mom comes home from the daycare I usually ask her what she did, but often she cannot remember. That is the way Alzheimer's disease works, it devastates the short-term memory. It does other things as well, but the short-term memory lose is the most obvious.

Tonight when Mom goes to bed I will turn on the oxygen compressor and put it on her. I do not know how long she will keep it on, so I will have to check every hour or so. In addition, to the oxygen I have to wake her up about 8:00 P.M. and give her a pill. I know the meds can just do so much; eventually the Alzheimer's will take my mother from me.

I want to cry, but I am not sure it would do any good. Crying will not bring my mother's memory back. Crying will not stop the spread of the disease. Crying may help me deal with my emotions for a little while, but eventually I have to accept what is waiting in the future. Eventually I have to accept the loneliness, some of which I am feeling now. I feel lonely because I cannot carry on an intelligent conversation with my mother. The only thing I can do is put everything in God's hands and do what I can do to make Mom as happy as she can be under the circumstances.

Haibun-haiku: A chill in the air

a chill in the air
the oak tree changing colors
a new week begins

It is chilly today. It is warmer outside then it is in the house. When I go outside I don't need a sweater to keep my arms warm, but in the house I have to wear a sweater. It is finally autumn in Las Vegas and time to turn the cool air off. It is took cold for the cool air and too warm for the heat, so I'll turn the unit off.

Thought for the Day - October 12, 2012

Istiqlal (Independence), 16 Mashiyyat (Will), 169 B.E. - Friday, October 12, 2012 about 10:25 AM Pacific Time

You're never too old to become younger. - Mae West  Quotes and sayings

After the rain last night, my bones want to become younger. It is colder today then yesterday and my joints are feeling it.  I did not sleep well last night because the damp and the chill settled into my knees and the pain woke me up every time I turned over. I have pain medication, but I do not like to take it unless is necessary. Last night it did not seem like it was necessary; however, this morning is a different story.

I checked the thermostat when I got up this morning. At that time it read 74 degrees, but it felt colder. I think the reason was the humidity. It rained all night. It thundered and lightning lit up the sky, a beautiful sight. However, this morning I am feeling the humidity in my joints, but I guess after 65 years that is to be expected. Therefore, I eat something and take my pain medication. After a while my joints feel less painful.

Thankful Thursday, October 11, 2012

Istijlal (Majesty), 15 Mashiyyat (Will), 169 BE - Thursday, October 11, 2012 about 7:48 AM Pacific Time

Today I am thankful for

1. Rain in Las Vegas
2. I was able to get Mom transferred from her bed to the wheelchair without her slipping onto the floor
3. Canned applesauce because it is easier to get Mom to take her meds with a spoon of applesauce
4. Powered (dry) milk because I can have milk on my cereal anytime I want and the dry milk is easy to mix
5. The autumn chill in the air
6. The groups of school children walking past my house on the way to school because it reminds me of my childhood
7. The lady that walks her dog every morning
8. The neighbors cat that sits patiently in front of their door waiting for someone to let her/him in the house
9. The daycare bus and driver that pick Mom up Monday through Friday and take her to the daycare center
10. Fresh brewed coffee

Midweek Reflections on Leftover Coffee

'Idal (Justice), 14 Mashiyyat (Will), 169 B.E. - Wednesday, October 10, 2012 about 1:15 P.M. Pacific Time

I used the be able to finish 12-cup coffee maker full of coffee in a single day, but not any more. It takes me two days to finish 12-cups of coffee. I made a fresh carafe of coffee on Tuesday and I am just finishing it up today. Of course, I am the only person in the house drinking coffee during the week, so that may have something to do with the time it takes me to finish off a carafe of coffee.

During the week Mom goes to an adult daycare center. While she is at daycare, they feed her two meals and a snack. For breakfast she get coffee, I do not know if they serve her regular coffee or decaf. At home we drink regular coffee, so on the weekends Mom gets regular coffee for breakfast. She does not drink coffee for lunch or dinner; in fact, she does not drink coffee after 12:00 noon on the weekends.

I warm the leftover coffee up in the microwave. On the weekends, I give Mom fresh hot coffee, but not a full cup. Mom can drink only half a cup of coffee at a time. She likes hot coffee, but she forgets that she has a cup sitting next to her. If I give her half a cup at a time then she drink the coffee hot and does not say anything about cold coffee.

The beginning of the holiday season

Kamal (Perfection), 12 Mashiyyat (Will), 169 B.E. - Monday, October 8, 2012 about 9:20 A.M. Pacific Time

It is October and the beginning of the holiday season, which means I can purchase some of the candy I like that I cannot get any other time of the year. In October, I usually purchase candy corn because I like the flavor and I cannot buy it any other time of the year. In November, I will buy turkey shaped cookies for the same reason that I buy candy corn in October. In December, I will purchase Santa Claus shaped cookies and candy canes for the same reason that I buy candy corn in October and turkey shaped cookies in November.

I like sweets. I like the memories that the holiday sweets bring to mind. When I was a child my grandmother always made turkey and Santa Clause shaped cookies for those holidays. She always bought candy corn for us around Halloween. I do not celebrate or commemorate these holidays any more, but I do buy the sweets that go along with these holidays. As each holiday approaches, I will write more about my memories of my grandparents and the way we commemorated or celebrated each holiday.

The Week in Review: I am feeling Better

Jalal (Glory), 10 Mashiyyat (Will),169 B.E. - Saturday, October 6, 2012 about 9:55 A.M. Pacific Time

I have recovered from being sick, but it took about four or five days. I am feeling better and I need to catch up on almost everything. I will spend next week catching up on business, which means a lot of driving across town. On Monday, I plan to fill the car up with gas, have the fluids and tires checked, and then begin my week of catching up with business.

I am feeling better, so I want to get started with the projects I had to let go while I was sick. While I was recovering, I wanted to sleep all the time. Every time I sit down on the couch I would fall asleep. Sometimes I even wanted to fall asleep sitting at the computer and that can be dangerous. If I fall asleep at the computer there is the possibility of falling off my chair and onto the floor.

Today and tomorrow I need to catch up on writing. I will do some laundry, but not until just before I go to bed. I can put the laundry in the washing machine, let it wash while I sleep, and then take it out when I wake up. Since I am caught up on most of the laundry this will work.

I am feeling better, but I still get a bit sleepy now and then. I am going to close this now and fix me something to eat, which I hope wakes me up or at least gives me some energy. I also have to get Mom something else to eat.

Ultrasounds of my legs

I went to the vein specialist for ultrasounds of my right and left legs. The veins which are supposed to be working are working the way they are supposed to work. The veins that were destroyed are not working, which is good. In addition, I found out that I do not have any blood clots and that is good, as well. I will go back in February of 2013 for another ultrasound of both legs.

When I make the appointment in February, I think I will make it for 11:00 A.M. instead of 10:30 A.M. When I go to this office, I normally do not have to wait very long.  Today I got in before 10:30, so none of the cafes where I like to eat  were open. The places, close to the doctor's office or on the way home, that were open were severing only breakfast and I did not want breakfast.

I came directly home for the appointment. After I got home, I did not want to go out again. Therefore, the next time I make the appointment, I will make it about thirty minutes later and that way I will be able to stop some place for lunch. I prefer to go out for lunch rather then for breakfast.

Midweek Reflections on Laundry in Las Vegas

I have decided to do laundry at night. I can put in a load of clothes or sheets before going to bed and take them out in the morning. There was a time when I did not like to do this, but not anymore. It is easier to do a load of laundry every night then it is to do laundry during the day. It might be different if I hung my clothes on the line outside instead of over furniture.

I need to purchase a dryer, but if I do that I have to buy a new one and I do not think we can afford that at this time. A used dryer would be nice, but if I buy one then I have to figure out how to get it home and in the house. A clothes dryer is too big to put in the backseat or trunk of my Kia and I do not have a truck. Even if I did have a truck, I would still have to figure out how to get it into the house.

Doing laundry at night is all right. It is a lot better then doing housework at night. I think I will put in a load of sheets tonight. Then tomorrow I will wash a load of towels. If I wash one load of clothes and hang them across furniture to dry then I can at least keep up with the laundry easily.

I am in recovery

Jalal (Glory), 4 Mashiyyat (Will), 169 B.E. - Sunday, September 30, 2012 about 12:30 P.M. Pacific Time

I got sick Wednesday, September 26, 2012, about 12:55 A.M. and I am now in recovery. No, I did not go to the doctor because (1) I could not drive myself to the office and (2) I did not have an appointment and I would have to wait too long to see the doctor. I did not call an ambulance because it would have taken me to the Emergency Room where I could have died waiting to see a doctor. If I was die, I was going to die in my own home where I could be in misery without encountering other human beings in misery.

 The following two days I fought the dry heaves, while attempting to get as much work accomplished as as a sick woman can do. On Thursday and Friday I left the house once each day because I was now capable of driving a car without putting myself or anyone else in danger. On Wednesday and Thursday I had beef broth and water for nourishment. On Friday, I ate chicken soup, with milk or water. In addition, on all those days I got Mom out of bed and ready for the C.N.A. give her a bath. I also think I took several naps in between everything else.

I did much better on Saturday and washed two loads of clothes. Today I washed only one load, but I may do another later on; if I have enough energy after washing the dishes and taking out the trash. I still have a cough, but since I am not planning on going out of the house until Tuesday, I am not going to worry about spreading anything around. On Monday, I have to close the books for September and make some online payments.

The Last Monday in September

Kamal (Perfection), 17 'Izzat (Might), 169 B.E. - Monday, September 24, 2012 about 9:11 A.M. Pacific Time

It is the last Monday in September 2012 and there are three months left on the calendar. Today, the daycare bus is late  picking Mom up. Mom is all ready to go, I have given her all the meds she takes at home. She had a bowl of cereal when she took them and now she is sitting in her wheelchair waiting for the bus.

It is the last Monday in September and I have that autumn feeling. I miss the woman my mother was before the Alzheimer's disease devastated her memory and her emotions. Right now, Mom is in a good mood. She is not crying and she wants to get out of the wheelchair. I do not know what she wants to do because all she says is that she wants to get up. I wish Mom could get out of the wheelchair and walk on her own.

I am hungry, so I need to go fix me something to eat. Sometimes I eat cereal with Mom and sometimes I wait until after she leaves for the daycare center to fix me something to eat. However, I cannot leave Mom alone in the living room for more then a few minutes because she wants to get out of the wheelchair. Mom has difficulty getting up using the walker and with help from me or someone else. However, she does not understand or remember this.

Is my mother laughing or crying

Jamal (Beauty), 16 Izzat (Might), 169 B.E. - Sunday, September 23, 2012 about 9:10 A.M. Pacific Time

I listen to my mother's voice. I listen to the noises she makes. I hear her begin to cry, so I ask "Mom, why are you crying?" Her answer, "I'm not crying." I don't  say well it sounded like crying to me. Instead, I watch her face and realize that she isn't crying, but instead she is laughing.

Mom has Alzheimer's disease and she cries about almost everything that disappoints or upsets her. When I ask her why she is crying she usually answers "I don't know!" or "I have a right to cry!" In either case I never find out why she is crying. Earlier this morning, I heard Mom was crying and went into her bedroom to find out why. I never did discover a reason for the tears, so I got her up and we came into the living room.

A while ago, I heard what I thought was crying; however, when I looked at her I realized she was laughing. When Mom starts to cry or to laugh the vocalizations she makes are  the same. The only difference, I can see, is that when she cries she sheds tears.

The first day of autumn in Las Vegas

Jalal (Glory), 15 'Izzat  (Might), 169 B.E. - Saturday, September 22, 2012 about 9:45 A.M. Pacific Time

It is the first day of autumn, Mom and I are sitting in the living room. Mom is sitting in her wheelchair holding  her doll. I am sitting so that I can see Mom and hear Mom, as well as look out the window. It is cloudy today, so the temperature will remain under 100 degrees. That is fine with me because I have had enough of triple digit temperatures this year.

On the first day of autumn, Mom and I ate strawberries and bananas for breakfast. In addition, we each had two donuts and a cup of coffee.  I have given Mom all of her morning meds, so I do not have to worry about convincing her to take any more pills until it is time for lunch. I have also taken Mom's blood pressure twice and both time it was over 100.

The Last Day of Summer

Istiqlal (Independence), 14 Izzat (Might), 169 B.E. - Friday, September 21, 2012 about 5:38 PM Pacific Time.

It is  the last day of summer, tomorrow morning at 7:49 AM Pacific Fall begins. As I look out my living room window, I see clouds gathering in the sky. They are not rainclouds, but the carry enough moisture so that the humidity is noticeable. I also see  the contrail of a jet, its white vapor mixing with the last clouds of summer.

I look forward to autumn because the temperatures are lower, which means the power bill will be lower. It cost a lot to cool the house in summer and to heat the house in winter. In spring and fall we use the air conditioning less. We have a heat pump to keep the house cool in the summer and warm in the winter. I know enough about the unit to set the required temperature on the thermostat, to turn the unit off or on, and change the filter. If the unit requires anything else, I call a professional.

It is the last day of summer, Mom is asleep and the house is silent. The man who maintains my yard carried three trashcans to the curb, so that the garbage trucks can pick them up tomorrow. I still have on trashcan in the garage to roll to the curb tomorrow. Since it is a plastic rolling trashcan and I do not have to pick it up, I can handle it by myself.

Midweek Reflections: My Routine disrupted

'Idal (Justice), 12 'Izzat (Might) 169 BE - Wednesday, September 19, 2012 about 8:22 AM Pacific Time

Precisely one week ago my new computer someone delivered my new computer. Precisely one week ago my writing routine was disrupted. This had a domino affect and caused the disruption of my prayer, meditation, and housekeeping routines. This morning I am feeling effects of that disruption. This morning I feel as if I am standing in a crater after a meteor has struck the Earth.

 This morning, after oversleeping or ignoring the alarm, I went to get Mom up and found the hospital bed raised completely. When I attempted to lower it, I discovered the bed was not getting any electricity. I unplugged it from the extension cord and tried another outlet, but it still did not move. After panicking and calling the Hospice, who called the company that takes care of the equipment, I decided to plug the bed into another outlet. This time the bed worked and I was able to lower it so that I could get Mom out of bed.

I finally pushed Mom and her wheelchair into the living room about 6:00 AM. By the time I gave her all her meds and something to eat it was close to 7:00 AM. I made my coffee and then went outside to pick up the morning newspaper. When I got outside and saw the neighbors' trashcans sitting at the curb, I realized it was Wednesday and trash collection day. I rolled my trashcan to the curb and then picked up my paper. I have to get back into my routine so that I am not so stressed and hurried.

Tuesday Thoughts: People ringing my door bell in Las Vegas

Fidal (Grace), 11 'Izzat (Might), 169 B.E. - Tuesday, September 18, 2012 about 11:48 AM Pacific Time


I am 65 years old and sometimes it is difficult to get around quickly. It takes me more then three seconds to get to the front door. If someone rings the bell that person needs to wait at least five minutes for me to answer. A man just ring my doorbell and did not wait even five minutes for me to answer. This is the second time this month this person had did. I know it is the same person because I am sitting at my computer, which is situated so that I can look out the living room window.

This is a man somewhere between thirty-five and fifty. He always wears the same dirty clothes; therefore, I suspect he is homeless. I also suspect he is looking for either a handout or yard work. Apparently, he does not want either of those very much because he never waits more then three or four seconds after ringing the doorbell. There is no question that I am home because the car is parked in the garage and the garage door is open.

Most people who ring my doorbell wait at least five minutes before leaving. If the they see the car is in the garage or sitting in the driveway then they wait a bit longer. It is nice when they wait for me to answer the door because I like talking to people and I do not get out very much. The only people I get to talk to are those who come to the door or call me on the phone.  I suppose if someone does not  want to wait for me to answer the door then I am not missing an interesting conversation.

I call my Mother Marie

Kamal (Perfection), 10 'Izzat 169 B.E. - Monday, September 17, 2012 about 8:52 AM Pacific Time

I wasn't raised to call my mother by her first name. I've always called her Mom, Mother, or Mommy, but her Alzheimer's disease has changed the way I address my mother. Sometimes I call my mother Marie because she forgets that I'm her daughter. Sometimes she forgets my name and sometimes she remembers. I don't know who she thinks I am at these times.

Mom hasn't been answering my questions or responding to me consistently when I talk to her. At first, I thought the problem was that she didn't hear me, but that's only part of the problem. The rest of the issues is the damage the Alzheimer's has caused to her brain. I've noticed the when Mom wakes up in the morning or after a nap. I finally figured out the problem, Mom doesn't know who I am, so when I call her "Mom" or "Mother" she doesn't  realize I'm talking to her. When this occurs I call Mom "Marie" and she will respond.

The Day of Beauty in Las Vegas

Jamal (Beauty), 9 'Izzat (Might), 169 B.E. - Sunday, September 16, 2012 about 9:24 AM Pacific Time

It is Sunday. It is Jamal. It is the day of Beauty. As I sit typing this, I look out my window and see the blue cloudless sky. The sun is bright, while the shadows cast by buildings and trees are dark. It is warm, but not uncomfortably hot.  It is a beautiful day in Las Vegas.

It is a good beginning to a new week. This morning when I got Mom out of bed I noticed that the swelling in her legs has gone down. This is wonderful because perhaps she can begin wearing her shoes again. For the past few weeks Mom has worn only socks because she retains water and her feet swell. Mom will be happy about that because she has been worried about her shoes.

I hope the temperature tomorrow is not hot. I have to go to the store in the morning because there are a couple of necessities I have to buy. This morning, I used the last trash bag in the house so I have to go shopping in the morning. Since I going to the store for trash bags, I should get some other things as well. I need to get unsalted butter because I need it to make grilled cheese sandwiches.

Friday afternoon in Las Vegas

It's Friday, September 14, about 4:56 PM Pacific Time. I've spent the last two days getting my new computer set up and accessing the Internet. This entire situation is my fault. I wasn't prepared for the new computer. I knew last Wednesday I was getting a new computer. I knew last Wednesday I would need a new surge protector; so why didn't I get the surge protector last week.

Last Wednesday, after turning my other computer off for the third time; I called MyGait to inquire about their senior computers. After talking to the customer service rep and finding out the computer was affordable, I ordered one. The computer was delivered this Wednesday and that night I moved Mom's old computer off her desk and moved the desk closer to my cable modem. On Thursday, I bought the surge protector and today I got the systems going properly, after I figured out which one of my cable connections was an Ethernet connection.

I haven't gotten my journal or anything else transferred from my old computer to the website I now use to compose my documents. I'll discuss this in another post because right now I'm composing this directly into my blog.

Midweek Reflections: Mom at night

‘Idál (Justice), 5 ‘Izzat (Might), 169 BE – Wednesday, September 12, 2012 about 4:09 PM Pacific Time

Mom called me about 11:30 PM last night. She had tried to get up and ended up on the floor. I don’t think she fell on the floor, I slid down to the floor when she attempted to get up. When I went into her bedroom, I found her legs under her, as if she had knelt down and couldn’t get up.

Mom weighs about 145 lbs. She is too heavy for me to lift, so I called 311 (the non-emergency number) and requested some firefighters to lift her back into bed. They came and put Mom back in bed. Mom remained in bed the rest of the night.

Mom wakes up in the middle of the night and decides she has to get up to do something. She will put her legs over the side of the bed and then go back to sleep. Sometimes she does this only once a night and sometimes several times a night. I think that’s what happened last night.

I think she put her legs over the side of the bed and then went back to sleep. After that, she woke up again and ended up on the floor. I just have to get up every hour or so during the night and check on her. That’s all right because five or six days a week I wake up every hour or so anyway. I’ll just have to get up and check on her when I wake up.

Haibun-Haiku: Dark clouds in Las Vegas

Fidál (Grace), 4 ‘Izzat (Might), 169 BE – Tuesday, September 11, 2012 about 1:35 PM Pacific Time

dark charcoal gray clouds

thunder rumbling and grumbling

could it rain today

Rain clouds cover the afternoon sky and thunder rumbles through my neighborhood. I cannot say thunder rumbles through Las Vegas because the city is so large that it can rain in one part of town and not in another. I am not even sure that, when it does rain, it will be an official rain. If it does not rain at the airport, then the rain is not official. It does not matter if it is not measured we need the rain.

Monday Meditations: Cloud Shapes

Kamál (Perfection), 3 ‘Izzat (Might), 169 BE – Monday, September 10, 2012 about 5:30 PM Pacific Time

I look out my living room window and I watch the clouds. One of the clouds has the shape like a giant prehistoric bird. Another looks like a dragon flying across the sky. As they move toward the west, toward the sunset they change shapes. One cloud looks like the head of a pig and another like a fish.

Watching the clouds change shape as they move across the sky is calming. My mind becomes tranquil as I watch their shape morph from one creature to the next. As I watch them, memories of my childhood return, memories of Mom and me sitting in the porch of our house in Blackwell, Oklahoma. We sit and watched the clouds change shape on a late summer afternoon. We commented on the shapes we saw in the clouds.

This afternoon, as I look out my living room window and watch the clouds changes shape I miss the days when Mom’s mind was sharp. I miss the days when Mom and I could have an intelligent conversation about the shapes of clouds. I miss the woman my mother was before Alzheimer’s disease robed her of her memory and ability to hold a conversation about one subject without becoming distracted. I watch the clouds and pray that someday medical science will find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease.

Haibun-Haiku: Afternoon Sunshine in Las Vegas

Jalál (Glory), 1 ‘Izzat (Might), 169 BE – Saturday, September 08, 2012 about 12:30 PM Pacific Time

afternoon sunshine

heats the city and desert

nice to stay indoors

The garbage truck finally empties my trashcan, so I went out to roll it back to the garage. The air was warm and dry, even with clouds in the sky the air felt dry. I’m glad I’m staying home today.

After I put the trashcan in the garage, I noticed the wind had increased. This morning there was a slight breeze, but this afternoon the wind is stronger and I cannot see clouds when I look out my living room window.

Funny Friday: Things to do when your computer system begins running slowly

Istiqlál (Independence), 19 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Friday, September 07, 2012 about 3:00 PM Pacific Time

Here is a list of ten activities to occupy your time when your computer system begins slowing down.

1. Read War and Peace
2. Ask a neighbor if you can take his or her dogs to the park
3. Prepare a seven course meal from scratch
4. Open Windows Task Manager go to Processes and try to figure out which processes are slowing your computer down (Good Luck with this one)
5. Watch a Star Trek marathon
6. Write a 5,000 word novel long hand (that is not using a computer or word processer)
7. Sail around the world in a hot air balloon
8. Bake a three layer cake from scratch and then make the frosting (from scratch)
9. Redecorate your entire house (including the attic and/or basement)
10. Visit every store in the nearest mall

Author’s Note: I began this list at 3:00:29 PM, it is now 3:25:05 PM, and I still do not know what is slowing my computer down. However, after writing this list it does not matter any more.

Mom is retaining water

Istijlál (Majesty), 18 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Thursday, September 6, 2012 about Sunset Pacific Time

Mom’s feet and legs are swelling and she is retaining water. Therefore, Mom is on a low sodium diets. It is difficult to find any foods that do not have salt in them. Some canned soups are “low sodium” soups. The problem is that most of the canned goods in my cupboard have sodium.

Until recently, Mom could not take a “water pill” because her blood pressure was not stable. I talked to the nurse today and Mom blood pressure is now stable. The doctor prescribed a diuretic and potassium tablets. As soon as someone delivers the meds, I will begin giving them to Mom. I guess evening would be the best time to give her the new meds. Mom seems more willing to take her meds in the evening then in the morning.

Tired Tuesday: Butting my head against a virtual wall

Fidál (Grace), 16 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Tuesday, September 4, 2012 about 1:55 PM Pacific Time

It is Tuesday afternoon and my system is almost as slow as it was this morning. The only difference I can see is that I am now able to access the Internet; my browser works this after noon. I spent the morning butting my head against a virtual wall.

I am not sure what caused the problem this morning because sometimes I could access the Internet, but not all the time. Whatever the issues it sometimes prevented, me from accessing the Internet and at other times let me go online.

I am tired, but I cannot stop now. I have until about 3:00 PM to finish writing and then posting. I may put off one of the post until later this evening. I doubt that the speed with pick up, but since Mom gets home between 3:00 and 3:30 PM I have to get off line in about an hour.

My system is always slow, but today it seems like it is slower then normal. I will do what I can before I have to get off the computer. I doubt that I will accomplish too much more then I have.

Haibun-Haiku: Wind dancing through leaves

Jamál (Beauty), 14 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Sunday, September 2, 2012 about 6:15 PM Pacific Time

Wind dancing through leaves

Reflect late afternoon sun

Another hot day

This afternoon the wind is blowing. There are no clouds in the sky, but there is a late afternoon haze. It is another hot day in Las Vegas. I am thankful I that I cannot go anywhere today because Mom is home. It is nice to stay home when the weather is warm.

Alzheimer’s disease: A Caregiver’s Saturday Mo

Jalál (Glory), 13 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Saturday, September 1, 2012 about 11:05 AM Pacific Time

It is Saturday morning; I have fixed Mom her first breakfast and given her all her morning meds. For her first breakfast Mom at sliced strawberries and banana. I am not sure what I will fix for Mom’s second breakfast perhaps scrambled eggs and toast or maybe a bagel, all though, Mom might like dry cereal and a jelly sandwich.

This morning, Mom and I discussed what she would like me to call her. I was calling her Mom, but she never answered me. At first, I thought it was because she was having difficultly hearing me even with her hearing aids in her ears. The problem was not Mom’s hearing difficulty she was hearing the question. Mom did not realize I was talking to her because she had forgotten I am her daughter.

After a bit of discussion, we settled upon Marie. Marie is my mother’s first name. From now on I have to remember to call her Marie, at least until she stop answering me when I address her by that name. I suppose then I can go back to calling her Mom. I do not feel like crying because this I expected to encounter this issue.

My mother has Alzheimer’s disease. I understood that she would eventually forget who I am. Mom will eventually forget a great deal more. It is sad that such a wonderful woman as my mother will forget her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. It is sad that two of Mom’s grandsons and her great grandchildren will never know the wonderful woman she was before Alzheimer’s disease began destroying her memories.

Clouds, humidity, and driving in Las Vegas

Istijlál (Majesty), 11 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Thursday, August 30, 2012 about Sunset Pacific Time

The sky was cloudy all day. Earlier today it was mostly to partly cloudy with patches of blue sky peeking through. This evening there is complete cloud cover. I know it is close to sunset, but I am not sure how close because of the clouds.

This morning, I had to drive to the west side of town in the heat and humidity. It was not pleasant drive, but it was interesting. Most of the drivers were cautious, with one exception. I am not sure if the person was still sleepy, using a cell phone or the weather was having an effect on him or her. Whatever the problem, the car kept swerving into my lane. Unfortunately, I could not pull over and call the police because I had to focus on the rest of the traffic, while avoiding the car that kept swerving into my lane.

I got to my destination and back home safely. I hope the other person did the same. It is times like this when I wished there were another person in the car with me.

Upcoming Holiday: Labor Day

Kamál (Perfection), 8 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Monday, August 27, 2012 about 11:25 AM Pacific Time

Labor Day, observed the first Monday in September, falls on September 3 this year. Labor Day is a Federal Holiday and there will be no postal delivery. In addition, the banks, Federal, and state offices are closed. Labor Day celebrates the contributions of workers.

I am trying to remember how we celebrated Labor Day when I was a child. I know we didn’t go to school that day. I think my mother worked because she was a food server and the restaurant where she worked remained open. I don’t think my grandfather worked that day, so I suppose we stayed at my grandparents house.

The weather in Oklahoma was warm and summery on Labor Day. I believe Grandpa took us to the Lake on Friday every after school let out or on Saturday morning. At the Lake, we swim, fished, water skied, and played. Grandpa had a garden, so we also worked in the garden.

On Labor Day, the daycare center Mom attends is closed. Since Mom is home all day, I have to figure out what to fix for our breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I also need to find something to keep Mom busy and her mind occupied. I’ll figure out something between now and then.

Dreams and Alzheimer’s disease

Istiqlál (Independence), 5 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Friday, August 24, 2012 about 1:30 PM Pacific Time

Last night, Mom had an easy night. She slept through the night without a bad dream or waking up crying. Wednesday night, she woke up crying about 8:30 PM and it took the rest of the night to get her to sleep. I gave her the pill for agitation, but it takes it about thirty minutes or more for it to work and calm her down.

While I was waiting for the pill to work, I sit next to her and read prayers. Prayers will help calm her as well, but Wednesday night she just did not want to do anything except cry and talk about her parents. Mom wanted to know where they were.

Mom’s parents, my grandparents, have been dead a long time. My grandparents’ gravesite is in Blackwell, Oklahoma. I cannot tell Mom they are dead and buried because she would not believe me. Telling her where their graves are located would only make her more upset, so I tell her they are traveling or living in a senior care village somewhere in Oklahoma. It helps, sometimes.

I hope Mom has a better weekend, but I never know how she is going to sleep until the next morning. Sometimes she will sleep through the night without a bad dream. Sometimes she has pleasant dreams. Whether or not the dream is bad or pleasant Mom does not realize she is dreaming. This is how it is when caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease.

Care giving: Cleaning out Closets Day 2

‘Idál (Justice), 3 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Wednesday, August 22, 2012 about 5:25 PM Pacific Time

There are three bedrooms in this house and each one has a closet. I found some more of Mom’s clothes in another closet. I also found some of my clothes that I either never wore or have not worn in ten years. In one closet, I found two formal dresses. One belonged to Mom and the other to me.

The one that belonged to Mom is too small for her and she has not worn it in at least ten years. I put Mom’s in the group of clothes I am giving away tomorrow, but I am having second thoughts. I doubt that Mom will wear the dress again; it is dark blue with a broach. Mom had two formal dresses the other one pink and I left the pink one in her closet.

I think she can still wear the pink dress. In addition, Mom likes bright colors better then dark colors. If I gave her, a choice she would chose the pink over the blue. I think I feel guilty about giving Mom’s clothing away without asking her, but if I ask, she will want to keep everything; including the dresses that are too small and there just is not enough room in the closets to keep everything.

Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease is difficult. I keep encountering situations in which I have to make decision that I sometimes suspect would be different from the decision Mom would make if she were still capable of making them. I cannot keep all the dresses that are too small for Mom and I probably did not give away enough, but I can still set other things aside to give away.

Care giving: Cleaned out Mom’s Closet Today

Fidál (Grace), 2 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Tuesday, August 21, 2012 about Sunset Pacific Time

I cleaned out Mom’s closet today while she was at the daycare center. I removed the dresses and blouses I know are too small for her. She still has several dresses and blouses in the closet, so if she does look she will not miss anything.

The clothes I removed she has not worn for at least five years and they are too small for her. The clothes I took out of the closet I put in a sack to give away. They are still in good condition and someone will be able to wear them. I am going to close this now because I hear Mom crying and I think she had a bad dream.

Cantaloupe in Las Vegas

Kamál (Perfection), 1 Asmá’ (Names), 169 BE – Monday, August 20, 2012 about 1:55 PM Pacific Time

Sweet cold cantaloupe

Brings back childhood memories

Of Grandpa’s garden

When I picked up the vegetables and fruit from the Farmers Market last Wednesday, one of the bags had a cantaloupe. I put it in the refrigerator so it could get cold. I cut it up and peeled it today and then, before putting it back into the refrigerator I tasted it. It was delicious and brought back memories from my childhood.

My Grandfather planted a garden every year. One of the things he planted was cantaloupe. I remember waiting impatiently for the cantaloupe to grow and ripen so that we could eat it. This afternoon, when Mom comes from the daycare center she will have a couple of slices. I know she will enjoy it, even if she does not remember Grandpa’s garden; she will enjoy eating the cantaloupe.

Watermelon and a Blueberry Muffin for Breakfast

Jalál (Glory), 18 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Friday-Saturday, August 8, 2012 about 9:45 AM Pacific Time

It’s Saturday and Mom is home all day. I have to make sure that she eats; the problem is finding things she likes that she can eat. I don’t worry about her low fiber diet any more because I have to watch her salt intake closer then her fiber intake. Mom’s feet swell, which means she retains water and salt helps her retain water. She can’t take a water pill because it lowers her blood pressure.

This morning we had watermelon and a blueberry muffin for breakfast. I give her the watermelon for her first breakfast. The watermelon filled her up and she didn’t want anything else after the watermelon. When she said she was hungry again, I warmed up the muffin. She ate the muffin and then took the rest of her morning medication.

I still have half the watermelon left, but I think I’ll wait and fix that on Sunday. The rest of the day, she needs to eat something low in salt and to drink more water. I have some potatoes, squash, and eggs in the refrigerator. I think I’ll fix the potatoes and eggs for lunch and then I only have to worry about what to give Mom to eat the rest of the day. The problem is that Mom doesn’t eat very much at one time, but she wants to eat when she gets hungry rather then at specific time.

Thankful Thursday: Afternoon clouds in Las Vegas

Istijlál (Majesty), 16 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Thursday, August 16, 2012 about 7:00 PM Pacific Time

Today I am thankful for the clouds,

the beautiful afternoon clouds

holding the promise

of rain.

Today I am thankful for

the way the late afternoon sun

reflects from the clouds

suggesting bright waves.

Shopping in Las Vegas

Fidál (Grace), 14 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Tuesday, August 14, 2012 about 1:30 PM Pacific Time

I need to go shopping. I need to buy some new clothes and new shoes. Now all I have to do is figure out which store. I think maybe a little online research to decide where to shop in Las Vegas.

I know what I need to buy; the problem is getting out in this hot desert city to buy it. Of course, the temperatures are lower so shopping is not as difficult as last week. Last week the temperatures exceeded 110 degrees, but this week they are a bit lower. Therefore, going shopping of a morning is much more pleasant.

This morning I went too the car wash and had the car washed. It was a pleasant trip, not too hot and without any humidity. This afternoon, I noticed the clouds are rolling in so there will be a little humidity, but I don’t think it is very high. Of course, I haven’t been outside since I came home about 10:30 AM.

Tomorrow, August 15, 2012, I’m going to the farmers market, so there will be no other shopping. Even in the cooler temperatures, I can manage only one or two things outside the house at any one time. Since I’m going to the Farmer’s Market that is the only shopping I will do until Thursday or Friday. If I do any other shopping then I have to leave the fruits and vegetable in the car while I’m shopping and I don’t like to do that.

A Neighbor’s Cat: A free verse poem

Jamál (Beauty), 12 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Sunday, August 12, 2012 about 10:15 AM Pacific Time

Stretched out

across the stone on my patio,

a neighbor’s

gray and white cat

watches the sparrows in the oleanders,

listens

to another neighbor’s dog bark,

or stares at me

through the kitchen window;

as I pick up the camera

she switches her tail

and leaves.

Another hot day in Las Vegas

Istiqlál (Independence), 10 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Friday, August 10, 2012 about 5:45 PM Pacific Time

Friday was another hot day in Las Vegas. The temperature rose to 110 degrees and there was an excessive heat warning. I didn’t go out today because my car doesn’t have a working air conditioner and driving without one is exhausting. Since the air conditioner in the house works I stay home and attempt to get some work done.

I don’t like staying home. I would prefer to go out in the morning and do shopping. I like to go out either two or three days a week, but this week I got out of the house only once. Next week I have to have the car washed and go shopping, but the weather will be cooler; at least according to the meteorologist. Monday the temperature is supposed to get up to 109 degrees and go down from there.

I’m tired of staying home, so Monday while Mom is at the daycare center I think I will plan on having the car washed. There are two or three carwashes close to the house, so I don’t have to drive very far and the waiting areas are cool. It might be nice to set in one while someone washed my car.

I’m not going to wash the car myself. I know it is more expensive to have someone else wash the car, but I would much rather someone wash my car then do it myself. I cut down on something else.

Cleaning out my car in the Las Vegas heat

Istijlál (Majesty), 9 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Thursday, August 9, 2012 about 1:50 PM Pacific Time

I carried two empty plastic juice bottles and two empty food cans to the recyclable bins in the garage. I held the bottles and cans against me with my left arm while I unlocked the security screen using my right hand. As soon as I opened the door the heat sucked all the energy from my body, but I pushed on because I could not leave empty food containers in the kitchen.

In the garage, I put the items into the blue recyclable bin and then opened the driver’s side front door. I need to get some things out of the car and begin cleaning the car out so I can take it to the carwash on Monday. I cannot have it washed until I talk all the trash and stuff out of the car. Since I do not deal well with the heat any more, it will take me all weekend to get everything out of the car.

Leaning across the bucket seat, I unlocked the passenger side door. After I walked around to the passenger side, I realized that the backseat door was unlocked. I thought I locked that door last week, but apparently, I did not. I am going to have to watch that because I do not like driving around Las Vegas with my car doors unlocked.

I removed a long, black wool winter coat from the backseat floor. The coat has been in my car since December of 2011. It has been in my possession since spring of 1998, at least I think that was when I bought it. I have not worn it in at least ten years. It is too hot for this Las Vegas, even in winter and the pockets and lining are torn. Anyway, after looking at it and realizing that I was not going to fix it I decided to throw it away.

I threw the coat away, brought a sheet and a pair of socks in the house. I also folded a winter blanket and laid it in the backseat. As soon as I find the other two winter blankets, I will take them to the laundromat. As soon as I recover from that trip to the garage, I will go out again and see what else I can take out of the car. It is so hot that it is going to take me all weekend to clean the car out. I just cannot handle the heat well anymore.

Midweek reflections on washing the winter blankets

‘Idál (Justice), 8 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Wednesday, August 8, 2012 about 12:45 PM Pacific Time

I have begun washing the winter blankets. Some of them are small enough so that I can put them in the top loader without any difficulty. I will wash the smaller or lighter blankets here at home, but the others I have to take to the laundromat.

I won’t wash the blankets that need to go to the laundromat until the weather gets cooler. It’s just too hot during the day to drive to the Laundromat for three for four heavy blankets. I think I have only three or four heavy blankets, I’ll know more when I finished washing those I can at home.

I don’t expect the temperatures to cool down much until October or November. I won’t have the heavy blankets ready to put on the beds by October, but I will have some of the blankets ready. Mom doesn’t like to have heavy blankets when she sleep at night, she prefers to have several smaller blankets on her bed and those will be ready by the time Autumn and cooler weather arrives in Las Vegas.

I prefer the heavier blankets myself, so as soon as it gets cooler I’ll have to take those to the laundromat. I suppose before I take any blankets out of the house to washed I need the check the prices at the two or three closest laundromats to my house. When I go to the laundromat I prefer to have the change with me so that I don’t have to get any bills changed there.

Monday Musings on Spider Solitaire

Kamál (Perfection), 6 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Monday, August 6, 2012 about 2:40 PM Pacific Time

When I bought this computer, never mind how long ago, it came with several games. One of those games was Spider Solitaire. When I first started playing the game, I didn’t dislike or like it. After playing it several times I began to enjoy the game which lead to me liking it and this is the problem. I think I enjoy the game too much because it interferes with other things I want to do online. Sometime it even interferes with my writing.

I try to avoid playing the game, but sometimes the temptation is too strong and I waste hours. If I didn’t have other things to do then it wouldn’t be a waste of time, but since I have other things to do such as writing and it takes away for that time then playing spider solitaire is a waste of time.

I have considered the option of uninstalling the game, but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to uninstall a game I enjoy because of an issue with my will power. It isn’t the games fault that I use it as a means of procrastination. I suppose the first step to overcoming a problem is admitting you have a problem.

I think I need to sit a time limit when I play spider. If I sit a time limit then I can use the oven timer I have next to my computer. Normally, I use the timer for timed writing, but it would work just as well to limit the time I play spider.

Low sodium diet: A green salad

Jalál (Glory), 4 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Friday-Saturday, August 4, 2012 about 3:25 PM Pacific Time

a nice green salad

lettuce carrots and cabbage

low sodium diet

This afternoon, Mom ate a little bit of salad for her snack. It was from a package I bought in the grocery store the other day. I didn’t put any type of salad dressing on it, but Mom didn’t complain. The only type of salad dressing Mom likes is ranch dressing and since that is a cream dressing she can’t eat very much of it. Even without dressing, Mom enjoyed the salad. I think I will get vinaigrette dressing the next time I go shopping.

Cooking for someone on a low sodium diet

Istiqlál (Independence), 3 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Friday, August 3, 2012 about 6:00 PM Pacific Time

Mom is now on a low sodium diet as well as a low fiber diet. I am going to focus more on cutting down the salt then on cutting down the fiber. It is easier to cut down on the fiber in her diet is a lot easier then on the salt. I did find a new way to help cut down on the salt I dump my canned vegetables in a colander and then run water over them.

I think this weekend; I will mix everything with rice or pasta. I will have to read on the packages, but I do not think packaged pasta has salt unless you add it when cooking and I do not add salt to the pasta water. I have to be very careful with the salt Mom gets because she is retaining water and her legs are swelling. I have been putting her legs up on the couch when she is in the living room and at night, her legs are up.

I need to get some fresh vegetables and other unprocessed items for her to eat, which I will do on Monday. The problem with the weekend is I have no one to stay with her while I go to the store. I did not get to the grocery store today; therefore, this week end I will just have to focus on getting as much salt out of the food she eats as possible.

I do not like cooking for just myself

Istijlál (Majesty), 2 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Thursday, August 2, 2012 about 6:30 PM Pacific Time

I don’t like cooking just for myself and that is what I do five days a week. Mom goes to the daycare center Monday through Friday and she gets two or three meals a day there, when she comes home in the evening there is someone else to fix a small meal for her. Mom has evening meds to take and so she has to eat something.

I cook for myself five days a week. The problem is that I don’t fix a balanced meal just for me. I have tried frozen dinners and they don’t satisfy me; perhaps I need to try larger frozen meals instead of the one I am buying. I get hungry in the evening. I think I will fix myself a salad and eat that this evening. Perhaps that will satisfy me. A salad is easy to fix and I don’t have to warm it up in the microwave.

On weekends, when Mom is home I fix a balanced meal because Mom needs to eat. I eat balanced meals on the weekends and that seems to satisfy me, I have to start fixing myself balanced meals during the week.

Midweek Reflections: Closing out July’s Books

‘Idál (Justice), 1 Kamál (Perfection), 169 BE – Wednesday, August 1, 2012 about 5:15 PM Pacific Time

Wednesday, August 01, 2012, time to close out July’s books and see if everything balances. It is the middle of the week and the first day of a new month. I stayed home today; I try to remain in the house on either the first day or the last day of a month. The reason is to close out the books and make the mortgage payment.

I went to the mortgage company’s website earlier today and set the payment up to come out of the bank account. Now all I have to do is close out last month’s books, which under normal conditions is not difficult; especially if I check the bank accounts at least every other day and put all the cash payments in the spreadsheet on the day I make them.

The only thing I did differently this month is to wait until afternoon to close July’s books. Normally, I do that in the mornings, today I decided to do it in the afternoon because this morning was somewhat hectic. I do not work online or on important documents until after Mom is bathed, dressed, and off to the daycare center.

This morning I wrote and posted to some items to challenges on writing.com. This afternoon, I am more relaxed and ready to work on the books. I do not like doing the financial books I have to do them. I follow my own system and it seems to work all right. Most of the time everything balance and when it does not balance then I know the problem is a cash outlay I forgot to enter.

The Changes in my Life: Watching the Summer Olympics

Fidál (Grace), 19 Kalimát (Words), 169 BE – Tuesday, July 31, 2012 about 6:10 PM Pacific Time

Many things have changed in my life since the last summer Olympics. Mom has Alzheimer’s disease and does not want to watch the Olympic Games with me. At least, I think the issue is the Alzheimer’s disease. I always enjoyed watching the Olympic Games with Mom and Mom used to enjoy watching me.

I have not watched the Olympic Games much this year. I did not watch the opening ceremonies and when Mom watched with me, we always sit on the couch and watch the opening ceremonies. The few competitions I have watched I do not enjoy the way I used to when Mom watched them with me. I will attempt watching them again on Wednesday, but it just is not the same. I miss watching them with Mom.

This experience got me to thinking about some of the things Mom and I used to do together. I missed the things Mom and I enjoyed, but I am not sure I want to do them without her. I know the reason Mom acts the way she does. I know that she will only get worse and I want to cry because I miss the woman that my mother used to be. Maybe I need to focus more on the things Mom enjoys now. Maybe I need to find activities that I can enjoy by myself.

After a long and sleepless night in Las Vegas

Jamál (Beauty), 17 Kalimát (Words), 169 BE – Sunday, July 29, 2012 about 10:36 AM Pacific Time

After a long and sleepless night, a peanut butter sandwich, and two cups of leftover coffee warmed up in the microwave, I am finally functioning. I spent part of the night attempting to convince Mom that we could not leave the house in the middle of the night. Mom was restless and had dreams about going some place. I do not know where she wanted to go because she would not tell me.

I am not sure Mom knew where she wanted to go; she just knew she wanted to go somewhere. I gave her a pill about midnight to calm her down. After Mom went to sleep, then I had to deal with my own problems. I ate something yesterday that did not agree with me and I am not sure precisely what it was. I am going to have to begin keeping a food diary. At least that way I will know what foods are causing my stomach problems.

A food diary may not change the way I eat, but it will give me an idea of the foods I have to eat less regularly. I doubt that I stop eating the food I like, not matter what issues they cause, but I will know why my stomach acts up and I am in pain. Of course, the problem could be something other then food, so the next time I see my doctor I will take a list of the symptoms, with me to the doctor. Perhaps I should also keep a list of my emotions and stress events as well.

Thankful Thursday July 26, 2012 in Las Vegas

Istijlál (Majesty), 14 Kalimát (Words), 169 BE – Thursday, July 26, 2012 about 11:30 PM Pacific Time

It is Thankful Thursday again and time to list ten things I am grateful to have or experience. It has been a long and somewhat depressing week. Some days were cloudy with temperatures in the double digits and some days were sunny with temperatures in the triple digits. This may be part of the reason for my depression; I know it caused my allergies to act up.

Today I am grateful for

1. the few spoons I have left in the silverware drawer
2. having more then one coffee cup in the house
3. writing.com
4. the beautiful blue sky I can see out of my living room window
5. a clean garage to drive my car into
6. the Las Vegas Review-Journal
7. spaghetti with meat sauce (even canned meat sauce)
8. Mom slept through the night without any dreams waking her up
9. Cox Cable and an internet connection
10. a working washing machine in the house

Those are the thinks I am thankful for this week. I will have a different list next week. All though I suspect something concerning coffee will make the list. This is because coffee is a constant in my life. I am always grateful to have hot coffee, ice coffee, or café mocha. In fact, I think I will post this and then make me a hot cup of café mocha. Ever since I figured out how to make café mocha at home, I do not have to worry about going to a coffee shop to purchase it; the only thing I have to make sure I have is hot coco mix and coffee.

Spaghetti with meat sauce

‘Idál (Justice), 13 Kalimát (Words), 169 BE – Wednesday, July 25, 2012 about 5:25 PM Pacific Time

I fixed a batch of spaghetti with meat sauce today. It was spaghetti sauce from a can, but it tasted all right for a quick meal. I did not feel like making the meat sauce from scratch even if I had all the ingredients. Normally, I prefer my spaghetti sauce either homemade or from a jar.

The jars of spaghetti sauce taste better then the sauce from a can; however, I did not have any jars of spaghetti sauce in the pantry. The cans of spaghetti sauce gifts, so I used those today. I fixed enough spaghetti to last us until Saturday or Sunday (I hope), so I had to use two cans of the sauce to flavor the amount of spaghetti I cooked.

I am looking forward to having spaghetti for lunch tomorrow with a salad and maybe some iced tea or iced coffee. Fortunately, with the spaghetti all I have to do is warm it over in the microwave and add a little grated cheese. I have a grater and I can grate the cheese manually. Once the cheese and spaghetti are heated, it will taste good. I do not need very much to eat for lunch on Thursday, just something to keep me from getting hungry. Maybe I will fix me the same meal for Friday.

It must be the Weather in Las Vegas

Fidál (Grace), 12 Kalimát (Words), 169 BE – Tuesday, July 24, 2012 about 5:25 PM Pacific Time

I am not feeling like myself today. I do not want to do anything except remain home and do nothing. It took at least four cups of coffee this morning plus a bowl of cereal with milk and sugar. I was not hunger the rest of the day, but I still did not want to do anything. It must be the weather.

The temperature rose into the triple digits before the monsoonal moister and clouds rolled in. The temperature went back down into the double digits with high humidity, clouds, and wind. My allegories are acting up and I just want to be lazy; however, I did get some work accomplished this morning.

This morning I washed four sheets and hung them over chairs to dry. Then I washed my hair, but I do not think that made me feel better. My hair looks better, so I should be feeling better. I am not. I do not know what I am going to eat this evening because I am not hungry. I feel tired, not sleepy so I do not want to lye down. I do not want to watch television either. The only other things for me to do are wash clothes, surf the web, or write.