My Mother's Prayer Book

I open Mom's prayer book
I leaf through it
to find
Mama's favorite prayers.

Memories flow through my mind
of Mama
setting in her room,
reading prayers
before she left the house
to go to work
or shopping.

This poem is also posted in the journal Writing in Snow, under the folder Awardicon Items, in my writing.com port. I am Prosperous Snow.

Thoughts on a Tuesday Afternoon in December

Fiḍál (Grace), 18 Qawl (Speech), 170 BE - Tuesday, December 10, 2013 about 3:51 pm Pacific Standard Time

Suddenly I want to cry,
I sigh,
I don't know why I want to cry.

This afternoon, I feel so alone. I'm still living in Mom's house wondering where I'll go when the sale of the house closes. I haven't heard from any of the waiting lists I'm on. Maybe I won't hear from them (at least, that's the thought going through my mind). I have to take some sort of action, but I don't know what .

I have bills to pay and I don't have the money to pay them. I may be without power after December 16 and I'm frightened. I have enough money to pay the power bill, but that will leave me short when it comes to the water bill and the car insurance. I don't know where the money for the car insurance will come from after I pay the power bill.

I'm so tired of worrying about bills. I'm so tired of being lonely. It's chilly in the house because I keep the thermostat down so low, but it doesn't seem to make any difference in the power bill. I just don't know what to do, except to write. Writing sometimes helps or at least it used to help me find a way to solve my difficulties.

Another thing that helps is prayer. I've been saying prayers off and on all day. They help when I'm saying them because then I don't want to cry. I'm rambling in this entry and that isn't any way to make a blog entry, but I don't know what else to do because I've started typing and I can't seem to stop. I think I'll close this entry and make me another cup of hot tea with a pepper mint candy cane in it.

Midweek Reflections: A To Do List versus An I Did List

‘Idál (Justice), 2 Asmá’(Names), 170 BE - Wednesday, August 21, 2013 about 11:00 AM Pacific Daylight

Time After several attempts at working a "To Do List" with little success, I have decided to take a different approach to the subject. A few years before my mother's death, we discussed how she did her house work and held down a full time job while raising four children. My mother told me that she wrote down the house work items she accomplished before going to work.

I ran across one of Mom's lists in a notebook, I looked it over and realized that she never wrote down the doing the dishes or laundry which she did everyday. Mom wrote down the big stuff that she had to do either once a week or once a month. That way she knew she had completed the task for that week or that month. Another thing I remember about Mom doing housework, is that she did not have specific days to do a specific job.

For instance, if Mom cleaned the bathroom on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday one week then the next week she would clean it on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. She worked the same way when it came to the kitchen or another room in the house. So I think I will stop attempting a "To Do List" and write "An I Did List", at least for housework.

Change is in the Air

Istijlál (Majesty), 7 ‘Aẓamat (Grandeur), 170 BE - Thursday, May 23, 2013 about 10:41 AM Pacific Daylight Time

I don't know why I feel that change is in the air. Maybe I'm just tired of living in this house and I want to move as soon as I can find a place I can afford. Maybe it has to do with the dream I had about Mom yesterday or was it the day before. I'm not going to write the entire dream because I put it in my dream journal, Dreams of Snow, which I store in my writing.com port.

The more I think about the dream, the more I realize that it was telling me to let go of the past. I suspect there was more to the dream then simply telling me to let go. There were a couple of symbols in the dream that I didn't understand, but eventually I will figure out those symbols. I prefer to interpret my own dreams.

Sometimes I will look up the meaning of a dream symbol on the internet, but normally I like to do a timed free write about the symbol. Perhaps that's what I should do with the symbols I can't figure out in my last dream. The symbol that is bothering me the most was the antique gas stove. I can't figure out where the symbol came from and what it means.

Eventually figure out meaning of the stove. In the mean time, I will do my best to let go of the worry and the fear of the change that is occurring in my life. I'm looking forward to finding a new place and finishing some writing projects I have going. Maybe that's what the stove referred to the projects I've put on the back burner.

Two months and counting

Fiḍál (Grace), 11 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Tuesday, January 29, 2013 about 4:15 P.M. Pacific Time

Precisely two months ago, Mom passed away. I miss her today as much as the day she passed. I know I will always miss her, but eventually the anniversary of her death will be just another day. At least I hope that will be the case because I want to remember Mom as she was when she lived and not the day she died.

I received a certificate though the mail today. It said that a seedling is being planted in memory of Mom. I think it is fitting that I received this certificate today, because it symbolizes life rather then death. It symbolizes a beginning rather then an ending. A seedling in memory of my mother will help in the reforestation project overseen by the Forest Service.

Missing Mama on Sunday Morning

Jamál (Beauty), 5 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Sunday, December 16, 2012 about 10:05 Pacific Time

I know it will get easier as time goes by. Eventually, I will not wake up in the middle of the night listening for her voice or for the oxygen compressor. This morning I set at the computer, I look toward the couch where Mom usually sat watching me at the computer. Mom loved to watch me type stories or blog entries.

Now, I look toward the spot where here wheelchair usually sat. I expect to see her wave or smile at me. I expect to hear her ask for something to eat. When I get up from the computer, I want to go over where her wheelchair usually sat and kiss her on the head, but Mom is not there. Mom will never be sitting there again.

I know she is in a better place. Mom is in paradise with her parents. I know she is happy. I know Mom wants me to be happy, but the only thing I can do right now is cry because she is not with me. I am cooking for one now and I do not like to cook for one person. I cannot cook for one person, so I cook for two people and eat leftovers the next day.

Day Six without Mama

Kamál (Perfection), 12 Qawl (Speech), 169 BE – Tuesday, December 4, 2012 6:30 AM Pacific Time

I count the days Mom has been gone. This is day six without her. This morning I woke up listening for her voice calling my name. Mom’s soul passed into paradise on the morning of Thursday, November 29, 2012. I do not know the precise time, but I do know it was later in the morning.

On the morning of Friday, November 30, 2012, the company that provided them picked up the oxygen compressor, wheelchairs, walker, and hospital bed. Then on Friday afternoon, we planned the funeral, which will occur on Thursday, December 6. Perhaps then, the reality of the situation will hit me.

Day six without Mama, I go through periods of numbness and tears. I wake up at night listening for her voice or for the sound of the oxygen compressor echoing through the house. I wonder what I will do will out her and then I realize that I will survive. My mother survived her birth. My mother gave birth to survivors. I am my mother’s daughter and I will survive.

Day six without Mama and I remember that this will be the first birthday I celebrate without her. I was born on December 24, 1946; on December 24, 2012, I will be 66 years old. I will celebrate my birthday because birthdays are celebrations or commemorations of joyful exuberance or at least without tears. I miss Mama.

My Method of Mourning

Jalál (Glory), 9 Qawl (Speech), 169 BE – Saturday, December 1, 2012 about 9:20 A.M. Pacific Time

My mother died on the morning of November 29, 2012. On the afternoon, of November 30, 2012 we, my sister, one brother, and I, with the help of someone from the mortuary, planned Mom’s funeral. This morning, I wrote a poem about her soul ascending into paradise and submitted it to a contest on writing.com.

As I was reading the poem again, after someone reviewed it, I realized that my method of mourning was to write. My method of dealing with anything is to write. Sometimes I find writing difficult in the middle of a crisis, but if I push on and let one word follow another then I can cope with the situation. I just have to place everything in God’s hands, sit down at the computer, open a document, and write.

Sometimes it’s difficult to write about the tests I’m facing in the midst of the crisis, at those time I have to write about something else or begin a free write. If I use a free write then eventually the problem show up in the writing and I find a solution or comfort.

I miss my mother

Kamál (Perfection), 12 Jamál (Beauty), 168 BE – Monday, May 9, 2011 about 2:22 PM Pacific Time

Last Monday, May 2, I called an ambulance to take Mom to the hospital. I thought she was having a heart attack. I wasn’t a heart attack, the doctors at the hospital sent Mom to a Care and Rehabilitation center. Today is one week in the Care Center. Mom is seeing a physical and voice therapist. I don’t know when she will be released.

I spend the morning with Mom, but I still miss her here at home. I know she wants to come home. When she does come home, she will spend five days in an Adult Daycare Center. The Daycare Center has a nurse, so there is someone there to give Mom her medication and see that she gets the proper exercise. I know Mom isn’t going to like going to a daycare center, Mom doesn’t like being in the Rehab center because she would rather be home.

It’s good for her to get out of the house. At the Daycare, she will get exercise and participate in other activities. Mom will receive three meals a day and be with other people. Once she gets used to going to the Daycare, she will enjoy the experience.

September draws to a close

Fidál (Grace), 4 Mashiyyat (Will), 165 B.E. – Tuesday, September 30, 2008 about 6:20 PM Pacific Time

September 2008 has come to an end. October 2008 is on the horizon. I'm weary. I'm stressed. I have a full month ahead to become more weary and more stressed. Alternatively, I have a full month ahead to become less weary and less stressed. The choice is mine. I don't chose the events in my life, but I chose the way I react to them.

My mother and I just got finished having a long talk. Mom and I sit down on the love seat and talked for the first time in a long time. We talk everyday, but this talk was different. Mom told me how she felt. I told Mom how I felt. It was nice. We talked to each other and we listened to each other.

We put aside the things we had planned to do. Mom was going to do some laundry and I was going to do some writing, but instead we talked. We didn't worry about what whe weren't getting done. We sit on the love seat and we talked. It was wonderful. It was a great way to end a month.