Midweek Reflections on Calendars and Time

‘Idál (Justice), 12 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Wednesday, January 30, 2013 about 8:55 A.M. Pacific Time

February has 28 days this year. If it passes as quickly as January, then on February 27th or 28th, I will feel as if a tornado pass through my life leaving behind a jumble of unfinished task and goal. I have a 2013 Emergency Preparedness wall calendar from the Southern Nevada Health District beside me on my desk. All right, I know I am suppose to hang a wall calendar on the wall, but it does not do me any good hanging on the wall.

If I hang the calendar on the wall by the phone, then I have to go into the breakfast room to look at it. That is too far to walk while I am planning my February schedule. I have to plan specific housecleaning goals for February because I have a lot of stuff to get dispose of before Thursday, February 28. Some of the items I will give away, some I will throw away, and some I will put in storage. I also have to plan time to work online, but I think I will do that at night.

I want to get a few things accomplished in February. I do not want to reach the end of the month and feel as if a tornado struck leaving fragments of unfinished goals scattered in its wake. I know I have physical problems which prevent me from standing up for long periods of time, but that does not mean I am unable to do housework. The housework just takes longer especially when it comes to sweeping and mopping floors.

Two months and counting

Fiḍál (Grace), 11 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Tuesday, January 29, 2013 about 4:15 P.M. Pacific Time

Precisely two months ago, Mom passed away. I miss her today as much as the day she passed. I know I will always miss her, but eventually the anniversary of her death will be just another day. At least I hope that will be the case because I want to remember Mom as she was when she lived and not the day she died.

I received a certificate though the mail today. It said that a seedling is being planted in memory of Mom. I think it is fitting that I received this certificate today, because it symbolizes life rather then death. It symbolizes a beginning rather then an ending. A seedling in memory of my mother will help in the reforestation project overseen by the Forest Service.

Monday, Monday

Kamál (Perfection), 10 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Monday, January 28, 2013 about 11:55 A.M. Pacific Time

I remember a song from my youth with the words "Monday, Monday," the next words said something about not liking Monday. I think the Beatles recorded it, but that is all I remember about the song. I wish I could remember more because today I would like to sing that song.

This morning I did a load of laundry, when I went to take the clothes out of the washer they were still very wet. This has happened before, that event was cause by the cord from a pair of slacks got tangled around the agitator. I thought that was the problem this morning; however, when I emptied the washer nothing had gotten tangled. The other possibility is that the load was unbalanced.

If the problem was not caused by an unbalanced load, then I have to call a repairman to fix it. I am not looking forward to that because I will have to wait until after February 4th when my check comes in. That means I have to be extremely careful with the clothes I have and not get anything on them because I do not have the time or the money to go to the laundromat. I still have two or three of Mom's adult bibs in the house, so I may begin wearing those when I eat, just to be on the safe side.

The Last Sunday in January 2013

Jamál (Beauty), 9 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Sunday, January 27, 2013 about 8:45 A.M. Pacific Time

It is the last Sunday in January 2013. It is a beautiful and chilly (at least to those of us whose internal thermostat is out of whack) day in Las Vegas. The wind is blowing and the birds are singing, of course, birds have feathers to keep them warm so they do not have to worry about their body's thermostat.

It is the last Sunday in January and there is a puddle of water in my driveway. The water is the results of a late night winter rain. I am not sure when it rained because I did not look out my front door before I went to bed, so it is possible the rain came early this morning.

It is the last Sunday in January and I am think back over Saturday's events. I believe it rained sometime during the day as well as late at night. It is not raining today, in fact the sky is blue, the sun is shining, and the wind is blowing; all in all, it is a nice day, a good Sunday morning.

tree limbs are waving
their shadows are dancing
music of the wind

Cornbread on Saturday Afternoon

Jalál (Glory), 8 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Saturday, January 26, 2013 about 2:45 P.M. Pacific Time

I made a casserole dish of cornbread this morning. I know that I should have used another type of baking pan, but I made cooked the cornbread in the microwave and the casserole dish was the only microwave safe contain big enough. Since I did not want to go to the store and look for the proper microwave safe baking pan I improvised.

This morning, after finishing the cornbread I fixed it with a can of soup. This afternoon, I will fix something else with the cornbread. Perhaps I will fix it with peanut butter and jelly or melt some cheese over the cornbread. I fixed a peanut butter sandwich with the last two slices of regular bread yesterday. I purposely did not purchase any bread this week because I knew I would fix the cornbread for Saturday and Sunday.

I do not like to have much bread in the house because there is a good chance it will mold or go stale before I eat it. The cornbread will last this weekend, I just have to figure out different foods to eat with it. I might try adding some vegetarian beans to the cheese and cornbread or maybe some other type of vegetable like peas or carrots.

Rembering Mama watching rain

Istiqlál (Independence), 7 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Friday, January 25, 2013 about 3:35 P.M. Pacific Time

It is a cloudy Friday afternoon, I am wondering it is going to rain again in Las Vegas. As I look out my window, I remember how much Mama liked the rain. Mom enjoyed sitting in the living room and looking out the window at the rain. I miss sitting on the couch with Mama and watching the rain.

a gray cloud cover
hiding the afternoon sun
the promise of rain

Tuesday Thoughts on Jauary 22, 2013

Fiḍál (Grace), 4 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Tuesday, January 22, 2013 about 2:55 P.M Pacific Time

This morning, I received a care package from one of my brothers. I contain food items, which included a large bag of coffee. It is a brand that I have not tried before, so I am looking forward to making a carafe. I have to find space in the cupboard for the items, I think I will put the coffee in the refrigerator. Normally, I would wait until I opened the coffee to put it in the fridge, but I think that is the only place it  will fit.

It is a nice day in Las Vegas, when I went out  for the newspaper this morning it was warmer then yesterday. The wind is still blowing, but the temperature is nice. Yesterday I turned on the television and watched the news, the meteorologist said we would have warmer temperatures this week. I like warm temperatures better then cold temperatures because my joints do not  hurt.

Morning Coffee in Las Vegas

Jamál (Glory), 2 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 169 B.E. - Sunday, January 20, 2013 about 8:35 A.M. Pacific time

This morning, I am drinking coffee from Mom's favorite coffee cup. The design on the cup is a man playing a musical instrument, I think  the instrument is called a base fiddle. Mom always like to drink her coffee from this cup, so I decided to put my coffee in it today. I  believe this decision has something to do with missing Mom.

Mom and I always preferred our coffee dark and strong, but when she became ill I changed to a lighter blend of coffee. I did not change to decaf because neither of us liked it, I think it had something to do with the taste or the way it made us feel when we drink it. This year, I changed back to the darker blends of coffee because I prefer the taste.

Normally, I do not drink more then one or two cups a day even though I make coffee in a 12-cup carafe. When I have leftover coffee, I use the microwave to warm it up the next day. There is no use wasting a good cup of coffee, especially when warmed over coffee taste almost as good as fresh coffee. Of course, I use a drip coffee maker instead of a percolator. Because of the way a percolator works it brews stronger coffee.

Thankful Thursday: January 17, 2013

Istijlál (Majesty), 18 Sharaf (Honor), 169 B.E. - Thursday, January 17, 2013 about 6:10 A.M. Pacific Time

The past five days have been interesting and stressful. Today I am thankful for

1. The Mourner's Bill of Rights I received at the bereavement group I attended last night
2. The 2013 Emergency Preparedness calendar I received Wednesday
3. The two loaves of free bread, one white and one wheat, I received Wednesday
4. The dark gourmet supreme coffee I warmed in the microwave this morning
5. The technician who fix my heat pump on Tuesday
6. Online dictionaries
7. A working microwave
8. Peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches
9. Warm winter sweaters
10. The memories of my mother

A cold weekend in Las Vegas

Jalal (Glory), 13 Sharaf (Honor), 169 B.E. - Saturday, January 12, 2013 about 4:50 P.M. Pacific Time

no wind this evening
sunset blue sky slowly fades
no clouds in the sky

I am expecting a cold evening. I just checked weather.com and the temperature in Las Vegas is about 40 degrees. I will warm up a can of mixed vegetables for supper. I have apple juice in the refrigerator, so I think I will warm that  up as well. I still have a lot of work today, so that should warm me up. I think I will wait until morning to take anymore recyclables or trash to the garage. It is cold out there, I can stay warmer if I remain in the house.

My first afternoon nap in 2013

Istiqlal (Independence), 12 Sharaf (Honor), 169 B.E. - Friday, January 11, 2013 about 2:00 P.M.

wind in the oak tree
a chilly and cloudy day
no birds are singing

The wind is blowing and the limbs of the neighbors trees are waving. The limbs of my tree is probably also waving, but I cannot see it. The clouds hide the sun, so there are no shadows cast today. This afternoon I am sleepy; therefore, I am going to turn the computer off and attempt to take a nap. This is the first time this year I considered an afternoon nap.

I will take my prayer book with me so that I can say prayers before trying to go to sleep. I am not sure I will be able to sleep because, but I will give it a try. If I cannot sleep then I will get up and wash the dishes or something.

I changed purses

Istiqlal (Independence)  5 Sharaf (Honor) - Friday,January 4, 2012 about Sunset Pacific Time

I finally did it, I changed purses. My black purse was too small, so I emptied the white purse. The white purse belonged to my mother. It has sit on the floor in her bedroom since November 29, 2012. Until today I just could not face taking her stuff out and putting mine in. Today was different, I brought the white purse into the living room and took everything out. I am putting some of the things back in. Mom's two wallets and the make-up bag. It is comforting knowing I am carrying Mom's purse.

One of Mom's wallets I will use. I will put my new driver's license in, some paper currency, and change. In her other wallet, I will put pennies. I normally do not carry pennies in my purse, I save them in a jar. I feel good about using Mom's purse because there are pleasant memories associated with it. I miss Mama, I will always miss her, but carrying her purse helps.

New Year's Day 2013

Fidal (Grace), 2 Sharaf (Honor), 169 B.E. - Tuesday, January 1, 2013 about 9:05 A.M. Pacific Time

On January 1, my Grandmother always made black eyed peas, so today I have a batch of  black eyed peas in the slow cooker. Yesterday, I washed them and then put them onto soak because this is the way you make black eyed peas. I seldom buy canned black eyed peas, I think it is because Grandma never fixed black eyed peas from a can. When the peas are about done, I add the rest of the ingredients to the slow cooker.

When I went to the grocery store yesterday, I bought a package of cornbread already made and a whole pumpkin pie. All right, when Grandma fixed her New Year's Day meal she always made her own cornbread and pumpkin pies. I buy these items already made because it is easier for me then making them and cleaning up after the meal. In addition, I only have a microwave oven and I have not attempted to make cornbread or bake a pie in the microwave. I will attempt both of those projects sometime in 2013, but not on January 1.

New Beginnings

Jamál (Beauty), 12 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Sunday, December 23, 2012 about 1:40 P.M. Pacific Time

It is Sunday afternoon. It is the beginning of a new week. In about eight days, a New Year will begin. A new week, a New Year, new beginnings and I am not sure whether I am looking forward to the New Year or dreading it. I guess looking forward is the better of the two options.

There will be many changes for me in 2013. I expect to move to a new residence, to a smaller place. The coming year will be my first year without my mother in my life. It is strange, but before this year; before December I could not imagine what my life would be without her. I think the best thing to do is just to take one-day-at-a-time, but I need to make some plans for the New Year.

The only thing I can do is make plans and place each day in God’s hands. I know that eventually everything will work out. I have to have patience and faith. Right now, I want to sit down and cry; I will cry later on because now I have laundry to hang up and dishes to finish washing. I also have another blog entry to make and some reviews to do on writing.com.

A Sparrow Singing

Jalál (Glory), 11 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Saturday, December 22, 2012 about 8:35 A.M. Pacific Time

a sparrow singing

in the cold December dawn

a new day begins

I heard a bird singing about dawn this morning. I think the bird was a sparrow perching in the oak tree next door. As I listened to it sing, I remembered a December morning several years ago when Mom and I sat on the living room couch listening to sparrows sing.

When Mom was younger and healthy, she always liked to get up before dawn to get her day started. Mom was an early riser, who did not like to sleep in. It did not matter what the season, Mom liked to get up before dawn and begin housework. I miss those mornings with Mom, listening to birds sing or the morning news.

a sparrow singing

in the cold December dawn

the end of the week

Missing Mama on Sunday Morning

Jamál (Beauty), 5 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Sunday, December 16, 2012 about 10:05 Pacific Time

I know it will get easier as time goes by. Eventually, I will not wake up in the middle of the night listening for her voice or for the oxygen compressor. This morning I set at the computer, I look toward the couch where Mom usually sat watching me at the computer. Mom loved to watch me type stories or blog entries.

Now, I look toward the spot where here wheelchair usually sat. I expect to see her wave or smile at me. I expect to hear her ask for something to eat. When I get up from the computer, I want to go over where her wheelchair usually sat and kiss her on the head, but Mom is not there. Mom will never be sitting there again.

I know she is in a better place. Mom is in paradise with her parents. I know she is happy. I know Mom wants me to be happy, but the only thing I can do right now is cry because she is not with me. I am cooking for one now and I do not like to cook for one person. I cannot cook for one person, so I cook for two people and eat leftovers the next day.

The Struggle goes on

Jalál (Glory), 4 Masá’il (Questions), 169 BE – Saturday, December 15, 2012 about 3:45 P.M. Pacific Time

It’s Saturday afternoon in Las Vegas and the struggle goes on. What struggle you may ask, the struggle to clean out my mother’s closet, to clean off her dresser, and to write. I’m doing all right with the writing, the problem comes in when cleaning out the closet.

I have to give most of my mother’s clothes away and I don’t want to. However, I can’t wear them. I can wear very few of my mother’s clothes and I don’t want to keep a closet full of clothes I can’t wear, so the only option is to give them away. I suppose I could have a yard or garage sale, but I’m not feeling up to doing that. 

I’m not sure why I’m having so much difficulty cleaning out a closet. I took some of the clothes out of the closet and brought them into the living room. They are lying on a bar stool waiting for me to go through them and put them in bags to give away. Sometimes I want to get someone else to go through the clothes, but this is something I feel I have to do myself.

That Time of Afternoon in Las Vegas

Fidál (Grace), 19 Qawl (Speech), 169 BE – Tuesday, December 11, 2012 about 1:60 P.M. Pacific Time

It’s that time of afternoon, when weariness sets in. That time of day, when not matter how many cups of coffee I drink both my body and mind want a nap. I have so much writing and housework to do that I don’t want to go to sleep. Unfortunately, my body wants a short nap.

I’m tired. I’m yawning. I want to get away from the computer and doze off for a little while. I don’t want to sleep very long because I have work to do. Tonight is the Feast of Questions and I want to be awake enough to drive to the Feast and back safely.

I suppose the only thing to do is to pick up my prayer book and go to the couch. If I don’t take a nap I’m going to continue to node and yawn. Since I want to attend feast I will let this be that time of afternoon when I nap.

Sunday Afternoon in Las Vegas

the wind is blowing

yellow oak leaves are scattered

across black asphalt

I think I am going to have to start sweeping or raking up the leaves in my gutter. I noticed today when I returned from the grocery store that there are yellow oak leaves cluttering the street in front of my house. I will have to sweep or rack them up when the wind goes down. If I do that job when the wind is still blowing, it is going to make my allergies worse.

Excruciating

Istiqlál (Independence), 15 Qawl (Speech), 169 BE – Friday, December 7, 2012 about 2:30 P.M. Pacific Time

Mama died on November 29; that was nine days ago. Mama’s funeral was yesterday. Sometimes I still feel as if I am walking in a fog. I still wake up in the middle of the night listening for my name. No matter how Alzheimer’s disease ravaged Mom’s brain, she still remembered my name. There were times when I did not know if she thought I was her mother or her daughter, but she still remembered my name.

I wonder what I am going to do now. I have more free time, perhaps too much free time. I miss Mama so much; to say it hurts is an understatement. I am a writer and you would think I could find a term to express the pain of losing Mom.  No word I know for pain describes what I am feeling. I am not sure there is a word to describe the lose and pain of losing the woman who gave you life.