Seven Days and Counting

Jalál (Glory) 7 Masá’il (Questions), 173 BE - Saturday, December 17, 2016 AD about 1:25 PM Pacific Standard Time 

Seven days and counting not to Christmas, but to my birthday. On Saturday, December 24, I will celebrate my 70th birthday. I have no plans to do anything except stay home and write or sing Happy Birthday to myself. I won't be alone because I have a roommate. I don't think we'll make a big deal of my birthday. I'm not sure I want to make a big deal of it. 

I'm not precisely sure how I feel about turning seventy years old. It isn't like I've been seventy years old before. I usually don't make a great event of any of my birthdays.  Perhaps I'll revise my bucket list, after all I don't know how many more years I have on this world. I would like to live to be at least one hundred years old; however, I know that the unexpected happens and a person never really knows how long they will be on this plane of existence. 

My mother wanted to live to be one hundred, but she died in 2012 at the age of 91. She lived a good life up until the last couple of years of her life. Mom died of Alzheimer's disease which stole all her joy of living and her memory. The last few months of her life was hard on her and the entire family.  I miss Mama so much. I would have liked to have celebrated my 70th birthday with her. I celebrated 65 birthdays with Mama, she died only a few weeks before my 66th birthday. I won't celebrate alone this year, but I won't celebrate it with Mama. 

Does Not Work for Me Wednesday: This does not work for me

‘Idál (Justice), 7 Núr (Light), 171 BE - Wednesday, June 11, 2014 about 7:27 am Pacific Daylight Time

It does not work for me when you refer to momentary memory issues a A Touch of Alzheimer's. I find this reference offensive because I have dealt with someone who suffered from Alzheimer's disease and I know the devastation it can cause to the sufferer and the family. I you think you may have a problem with Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia then ask your doctor for a referral to a geriatrician or neurologist, either of which are capable of determining if you are suffering from the early stages of these diseases.

I realize that you do not intend to be offensive when you use A Touch of Alzheimer's in a conversation, but the comment is offensive none the less. I watched my gentle and beautiful mother waste away from this disease. I felt her hit me when she got angry, which is something she never did before the disease begin to eat away at her memory, emotions, and personality. So please consider the feelings of those who have had personal experiences caring for family members suffering from Alzheimer's disease and do not use the term lightly in a conversation.

The Glass Lid

Jamál (Beauty), 2 Kalimát (Words), 170 BE – Sunday, July 14, 2013 about 8:40 AM Pacific Daylight Time

I found a glass lid in a cupboard I am cleaning out. The lid was sitting on the shelf not attached to anything. I do not know where the lid originated because I do not remember having a round casserole dish; at least I think the lid goes to a round casserole dish. I looked in the other shelves and did not find anything it would fit.

The problem is what to do with the lid. I know I should throw it away, but what if I find the dish it goes to after I take it to the trash or the recyclable. Logic tells me that I probably will not find the dish because I suspect Mom put the lid in that cupboard before the Alzheimer’s stole her memory. She could have broken the dish and simply put the lid in the shelf in case she needed it for something else.

Putting things away that one might need later, is something both my mother and my grandmother did. It had nothing to do with Alzheimer’s or any other form of dementia. It was a action left over from growing up on a farm or during the depression. One simply did not throw things away. It is something my parents taught me as a child. It is something I have to get over because keeping things like that is becoming stressful.

I have to take a deep breath and put the lid in the glass recyclables. I have not other choice, but the questions still lingers. What if need the lid for something or I find the dish it fits? I have to ignore the question and put the lid in the recyclables. I think once I do that then the stress will depart and I can throw other things away.

A Mudgy Memory

‘Idál (Justice), 14 Bahá (Splendor), 170 BE - Wednesday, April 3, 2013 about 5:35 AM Pacific Daylight Time

I am reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. In Chapter 11, Ms Didion writes about her daughter, Quintana, using the word mudgy to refer to her sketchy memory about her stay in a hospital. The word Quintana meant was smudgy, as I was reading I realized that mudgy was a good description of some of my memory issues.

Since November 29, 2012, I have dealt with mudgy memories, memories that seemed to be missing pieces that should be there. I think back to the day, weeks, and months before Mom passed. I try to determine if I encountered the same issues then, but I don't think I did. I think the missing memory sections began after Mom passed.

I am frightened! Mom had Alzheimer's disease and I am afraid that the memory issues may be more the simply the stress of Mom's passing. I am afraid that the memory issues may be a sign of the disease that took Mom's memory. I hope and I pray that my mudgy memory is just a sign of stress and that once I have learned to deal with the stress issues my memory will be back to normal.

Midweek Reflections on Care Giving

‘Idál (Justice), 18 Rahmat (Mercy), 169 BE – Wednesday, July 11, 2012 about 11:35 AM Pacific Time

Sometimes I feel so alone. I know I am not alone, there are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people just like me who are carrying for loved one with Alzheimer’s or some other form of dementia. It is just that on mornings like this, when Mom wants to cry and one or more of her physical medical issues manifest itself, I feel alone and disconnected from humanity. All caregivers encounter this emotion when they feel overwhelmed by their loved one’s mental and physical problems.

Besides short-term memory lose, which goes along with Alzheimer’s disease, Mom is afflicted with emotional or anger issues, Macular degeneration, hearing lose, urinary incontinence, and fecal incontinence. Mom has hearing aids to alleviate some of the hearing lose, but most of the time she objects to wearing them. I put the hearing aids in each morning after her bath and then pray that she keeps them in all day or if she does take them out then they end up in her purse.

Each morning, before it is even time to get her up, I give her a pill to help with the agitation. I have to get her to sit up so that she can take the pill because if I simply put it in her mouth without a drink of water she will spit the pill out. If she spits the pill out then it has no effect upon her moods.

Monday through Friday, Mom goes to an adult daycare center. Monday through Friday, the hospice she sends a C.N.A. to give her a shower (which Mom is not crazy about, but it is necessary). After the shower, the bus from the daycare center picks Mom up and takes her to the center. Mom enjoys going to the center. Mom enjoys herself when she is at the daycare center. Whenever I drop in Mom is having a good time.

An Alzheimer’s Morning: “Oh, no!”

Istiqlál (Independence), 11 Núr (Light), 169 BE – Friday, June 15, 2012 about 9:50 AM Pacific Time

It’s an Alzheimer’s morning; this is how I refer to it when Mom is upset, crying, angry, or agitated and this morning, she is crying and saying “Oh, no!”

“Mom,” I ask her, “what are you crying about?”

“Nothing,” she replies or “I don’t know.”

Mom begins crying and then a few minutes later, she says “Oh, no!”

Again, I ask, “Mom, what is wrong?”

“Nothing,” she replies. I fix her a bowl of dry cereal and this stops the crying for a few minutes, but again she says “Oh, no~” I adjust the dolls on her lap; however, this doesn’t seem to help.

The “Oh, no,” conversation could go on all morning or all day. I can’t get may to why she is upset because she doesn’t know herself. I’ve gen Mom all her morning medication, including the pill for agitation. I don’t know what else to do.

Mom moves the wheelchair with her feet. She tries to leave the room. I ask, “Mom, where are you going?”

“Anywhere,” she replies.

I pull the wheelchair back to the couch. Fortunately, if she tries to open the front door, the alarm system will say, “Front door open.”

The hospice C.N.A. came to give Mom her bath. Then about ten or fifteen minutes later, the bus from the daycare center picked her up. By the time the van got here, Mom was in a good mood and wanted to go outside. She didn’t cry or get upset when the driver pushed her wheelchair to the bus.

Planning my weekend menu

Istiqlál (Independence), 2 ‘Azamat (Grandeur), 169 BE – Friday, May 18, 2012 about 5:50 PM Pacific Time

Monday through Friday Mom goes to the adult daycare center and receives two meals plus snacks. On Saturday and Sunday, she remains home; therefore, I have to plan her meals and snacks. This weekend we will have waffles and eggs for breakfast with coffee and juice. On the waffles, we will have hazel nut spread, jelly, or peanut butter. Mom usually has peanut butter on her waffles, but this Saturday I will put the hazel nut spread on her waffles and see how she likes it.

For lunch on Saturday, we will have leftovers. I fixed a large pot of spaghetti on Thursday, so we have a lot leftover. There are green beans and sweet potatoes in the refrigerator that I will fix. If we don’t finish those for lunch then we will have them for supper on Saturday.

I think that for snacks I will serve canned fruit or ice cream. I have waffle cones; I know Mom would like to have an ice cream cone. It is warm now and so the ice cream will be a cool treat. I am looking forward to the ice cream myself.

Mom is not able to fix her own meals any more. The thing I miss most on weekends is my mother’s cooking. Mom was a good cook and she fixed wonderful dishes for us to eat on the weekends and the days we were both at home. I guess things like this are to be expected when caring for an Alzheimer’s sufferer.

An Interesting Tuesday Morning in Las Vegas

Fidál (Grace), 18 Jamál (Beauty), 169 BE – Tuesday, May 15, 2012 about 8:10 Pacific Time

It’s been an interesting Tuesday morning and it isn’t even 8:30 yet. Someone called the police because Mom was screaming and putting up a fuss when the C.N.A. gave her the bath. The front door was open so it probably sounded worse then what it was. Now I suppose I’ll have to keep the front door closed while Mom gets her bath Monday through Friday.

I guess this is something I have to learn to expect. Mom has Alzheimer’s disease and she gets angry when some (even me) gives her a bath. Some days she gets angrier then others, but she always gets angry. She accuses whoever is gives her the bath of attempting to kill her. I want to cry, but it would do no good.

This is a case when tears, no matter how many, help. They do not relieve the stress. Tears only make the situation worse because when I cry I remember how Mom used to be. Used to Mom didn’t curse, she didn’t shout at people, and she didn’t call people names. Now she does all those things, especially when she receives a bath. I miss the woman my mother used to be.

Family History Friday: Making Family History in Las Vegas

Istiqlál (Independence), 10 Bahá (Splendor), 169 BE – Friday, March 30, 2012 about 6:10 PM Pacific Time

I signed up for the 9^th annual southern Nevada caregiver conference, which occurs on Thursday, April 26, at the Alexis Park. The name of the conference is Inspiring and Empowering Caregivers to Navigate the Journey and it will last from 7:30 AM to 4:30 PM.

I all most talked myself out of going yesterday and came up with several reasons why I could not attend. This morning, I attended the monthly caregiver coffee at Desert Southwest Chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association. I took the registration material and my checkbook. I arrived at the location early, so while I waited for everyone else to arrive I signed up and wrote a check.

Now the only thing to do is find someone to be here, at the house, from 7:00 to about 8:45 AM to stay with Mom until the daycare bus comes to pick her up. That person also needs to be her between 3:00 to 4:00 PM when Mom arrives back from the center and the woman arrives who helps Mom get ready for bed at night.

I am going to the conference. This is an educational opportunity and it is relaxing. The only time I get out of the house is to pay bills, buy groceries, go to the bank, and buy gas. I need to do something else.

Sunday afternoon and no recipe to post

It’s Sunday afternoon and I don’t have a recipe to post. This week we eat soup poured over rice. I cooked the rice last Sunday and had planned to fix it another way. However, when I put the soup over some rice and heated it in the microwave, I like the way the soup and the rice tasted.

It’s easier to fix soup and rice in the microwave during the week. Mom eats it and then takes her evening medication. Some of the tablets require Mom to eat before she takes them and sometimes it is difficult to get her to eat before taking the medication. Sometimes it is difficult to get Mom to take the pills without chewing them; the problem is one of the tablets is time released and those she isn’t supposed to chew.

I know Mom doesn’t understand why she has to take the pills without chewing them. Mom doesn’t understand why she has to take the pills. The Alzheimer’s disease and short-term memory prevents her from remember or understanding. She doesn’t know she has Alzheimer’s disease and wouldn’t believe me if I told her. All Mom knows is that she doesn’t want to take the medication because she doesn’t think she needs it.

I’ll have a recipe to post next week. I’m not sure what it will be right now, perhaps something with rice. I may even post the rice and soup recipe, but I have to measure the rice to see how much I use with the cans of soup.

Midweek Reflections: This is a Leap Year

‘Idál (Justice), 9 Mulk (Dominion), 168 BE – Wednesday, February 15, 2012 about 1:25 PM Pacific Time

This is a leap year and that means there are 29 days in February, which gives 2012 366 days. This is an election year and oddly enough, I am not sick of the political commercials. Normally, in a presidential election year I get sick of the commercial around February 15. Not only am I not sick of them, but I am beginning to find them amusing.

I am not sure why I find the political commercials amusing. Maybe it is because I am 65 years old and, for the first time in my adult life, have some type of health insurance. I can go to the doctor or a specialist, knowing specifically what my co-pay is and not have to worry about how much the entire bill will cost me.

I could find those commercials amusing because I realize just how fragile the human brain and memory really are. My mother has Alzheimer’s disease and short-term memory issues. Until this year, Mom has voted in every presidential election since she was 21, but this year, because of the Alzheimer’s, she will not be voting because she cannot make an informed decision.

A third reason I could find the political commercials amusing is stress. As my mother’s caregiver, I am under a great deal of stress. I learn a long time ago that the more stress I am under the odd my sense of humor becomes. Whatever the reason, this year I find the political commercials amusing.

Two AM wake up call

Jamál (Beauty), 19 Qawl (Speech), 168 BE – Sunday, December 11, 2011 about 6:38 AM

Mom woke me up about 2:00 this morning crying. When I went into her bedroom to investigate the problem, she asked, “Where is my husband?” My parents were divorced when I was in grade school and both my parents eventually remarried.

Of course, I am not sure my mother was talking about my father, but considering she has Alzheimer’s disease and is loosing her memory; I doubt she was talking about later husband. Mom remembers things that happened in her young adulthood, but not some of the thing that happened later in her life.

I told Mom that he was called into work because the business was short a person. She did not calm down. In fact, it took me several minutes to get her to listen to what I had to say. Even then, she did not stop crying. I finally had to give her some medication for agitation. Mom finally went back to sleep.

I went back to sleep for a little while myself, however, I did not sleep very long. I have too much work to accomplish today to lay in bed any later then necessary. I am going to let Mom sleep later today then usual, she had a tough night and she need her sleep. This is Sunday and Mom is not going to the Daycare center.

Note: The picture is of my parents when they were first married.

Midweek Reflections: Giving an Alzheimer’s patient medication

‘Idál (Justice), 1 Qawl (Speech), 168 BE – Wednesday, November 23, 2011 about 12:55 PM Pacific Time

As I have written before, sometimes Mom doesn’t want to take her medication. Normally, it’s simply a matter of gentle persuasions. At other times, it’s a matter of backing off and waiting a few minutes for Mom to calm down and forget that I attempted to give her the meds. Then there are those times when the only way to get her to take a pill is to hide it in her food.

The doctor recently increased one of Mom’s medications from once a day to three times a day. During the week, the nurse at the Adult Daycare center gives her two of the tablets and I give her the third at home. Since Mom usually goes to bed about 6:00 PM, this requires me to wake Mom and give her the third tablet.

In some ways it’s easier to give Mom the medication and in other ways more difficult. I know that sounds like a paradox, but it’s true. Mom does not argue about taking the medication, therefore, once I have convinced her that she needs to take it and drink water with it she does. However, Mom does not wake up easily from a sound sleep; in fact, none of my family wakes up easily from a sound sleep.

Once I have Mom sitting up in bed. I have to make sure she is awake enough to take the pill and then drink some water. I think tonight, I will use a teaspoon to put the pill in her mouth. I’m not sure how well it will work that time of night, but it may be easier then putting the pill in her hand and then having her put the tablet in her mouth.

Medication and The price of peanut butter

‘Idál (Justice), 18 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 167 BE – Wednesday, November 2, 2011 about 7:32 AM Pacific Time

What, you may ask, has the price of peanut butter to do with medication? In our house, a great deal. Peanut butter is one of the foods I use to hide my mother’s medication. Sometimes, because of the Alzheimer’s disease, Mom does not want to take her meds. She fights taking her meds, so rather then argue with her; I hide the tablets in food.

I can always tell how difficult Mom is going to be. Mom has two meds that are capsules rather then tablets. One of these she takes first thing in the morning. Sometimes she takes the capsules without too much of an argument. At other times, she refuses to take it. This med is for her stomach and prevents heartburn, which she has if she does not take the capsule on a regular basis.

The problems with time-released capsules are that she cannot chew them, but must swallow them whole. The capsule (a different medication) she takes of an evening is easier because she is happier in the afternoon then in the morning. As I was writing, I hide the tablets in her peanut butter or ice cream. If peanut butter prices get too high, I will have to find another food to conceal Mom’s meds.

Being a Caregiver Isn’t Easy

Fidál (Grace), 3 ‘Ilm (Knowledge), 167 BE – Tuesday, October 18, 2011 about 1:58 PM Pacific Time

As my Mother’s caregiver, I have to make choices for her that she cannot make for herself. This afternoon, I realized that one of the choices concerns my mother’s wardrobe. I was hanging cloths for her to wear and I came across two pairs of my mother’s slacks. Mom does not wear slacks any more, she used to wear them all the time, but now she wears only skirts, blouses, and dresses.

Mom does not wear slacks anymore because dresses and skirts are easier for her to get on and off, especially when someone else is assisting her to dress. Mom does not seem to notice that the only that the only choices presented to her are dresses or skirts. Perhaps it is because she was born and raised in a time when women did not wear slacks. I do not think she began wearing slacks until World War II.

Anyway, as I was hanging Mom’s cloths up I came across two pairs of slacks she used to wear. Since there is no use hanging them where she can find them and want to wear them, I put them in a box I am planning to give away. Because Mom suffers from Alzheimer’s disease, she will get angry if cannot wear them and this would happen if she wanted to wear them and I had to say no.

I miss the woman my mother used to be. The woman I could reason with and discuss issues without her repeating herself or getting angry over a difference of opinion. I pray everyday that medical science will find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease.

An interesting Saturday in Las Vegas

Jalál (Glory), 19 Mashíyyat (Will), 167 BE – Saturday, October 15, 2011 about 5:25 PM Pacific Time

It has been an interesting and frustrating Saturday. The frustrating concerned my computer this morning. I am not sure what caused the problem, but it seems to have cleared this afternoon. This morning the computer slowed down and I had to reboot several times because the CPU kept running at 100%. Because of the frustration I am tired and behind completing online work. This means staying up late tonight and tomorrow night completing work.

The interesting part of the day concerned my mother. This morning Mom was happy and singing or humming. She was singing “Yankee Doodle” and humming a John Philips Sousa piece, but I am not sure of the title. This afternoon Mom was crying. I have no idea why she cried because she never tells me. Actually, she does not know why she is crying.

I ask Mom why she is crying and she always says, “I don’t know” or “I’m not crying.” The reasons concern the Alzheimer’s disease and I suspect she forgets why she is crying. If I have a choice, I would rather she were singing. I suspect the reason Mom cries concerns her belief that her parents are still alive.

I Gave the Cats to Becky

‘Idál (Justice), 16 Mashíyyat (Will), 167 BE – Wednesday, October 12, 2011 about 6:55 PM

Due to physical and financial, I could not continue to take care of both Mom and the cats. Therefore, with the help of my brother, I took the cats the animal shelter earlier this year. When Mom first noticed that they were gone, I told her I took them to the Vet and they had to stay there for a while. That seemed to satisfy Mom at the time.

Recently Mom asked, “Where are the cats?”

My reply, “I gave them to Becky.” I explained to Mom that Becky wanted some cats to keep her cat company and that satisfied Mom. I do not know a Becky, but apparently, Mom has known someone by that name because it satisfied her.

Because of the Alzheimer’s disease and short-term memory issues Mom usually forgets that we had cats. When she does remember it is unwise to tell her that I took them to the Animal Shelter because she will get angry. This forces me to come up with plausible explanations that will satisfy her when she asks the question. Fortunately, she does not ask the question vary often.

I Gave the Chickens to a Farmer

Kamál (Perfection), 14 Mashíyyat (Will), 167 BE – Monday, October 10, 2011 about 10:45 AM Pacific Time

This morning Mom asked, “Where are the chickens?”

My response, “What chickens?” I have to remember not to ask the “what” question, when asks me about where animals or people are because sometimes she gets upset. She did not get upset this morning.

Mom said, “I thought we had chickens.”

My response, “We could not get a permit, so I gave the chickens to a farmer.”

When Mom was a child, she lived on a farm in Oklahoma and they had chickens. When my grandparents moved to Blackwell, the also had chickens. I suspect Mom still thinks she lives in Blackwell, Oklahoma. I have not broached the subject because I do not want to get Mom upset. My answer seemed to satisfy her, so I will leave it at that right now.

When dealing with an Alzheimer’s patient, you have to put yourself in their world. Mom does not remember attending her parents’ funerals; she thinks they are still alive. Mom does not think she is 90 years old, which is another subject I have no intention of broaching.

If Mom brings up the subject of the chickens again, I will take an egg from the refrigerator, cook it, and tell her the farmer brought us some eggs from the chickens we gave him. It will make Mom happy and I really do not think the store where I buy my eggs cares what I tell Mom about them.

Looking for my mother’s hearing aids

Jamál (Beauty), 11 ‘Izzat (Might), 167 BE – Sunday, September 18, 2011 about 10:55 AM Pacific Time

My mother lost her hearing aids last week. It occurred on Thursday, after she came home from the daycare center. She had her hearing aids in her ears when she got out of the daycare van. Sometime between the time she got out of the van and went to bed, she took them out of her ears and laid them down or dropped them.

It is possible she took them out of her ears before she got into the house and dropped them on the ground. I have looked and looked, but I cannot find them outside. With some help, I moved the couch and looked under it, but no hearing aids.

Her hearing aids had batteries in them, so I should be able to hear the noise they make. I have not heard that noise, so I am not sure where they are. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. I am beginning to think it will take a miracle to find them because I do not know where else to look.

Every time I go outside, I look for them; I find nothing. I have to look for them somewhere else, but I think I have exhausted the locations. This is just another one of those things that happen when one is taking care of an Alzheimer sufferer.

My mother is looking for something

Jamál (Beauty), 16 Asmá’ (Names), 167 BE – Sunday, September 4, 2011 about Sunset Pacific Time

My mother is looking for something, but she cannot tell me what it is. When ever I ask she holds her hands together forming a round or square shape about an inch around. That could be almost anything.

She gets upset because she cannot find it. She gets angry because she thinks I should know what she is about, so I have to figure out what it is and where she put it. Whatever it is I suspect she placed the item on one of her dresser drawers.

The last time I looked in the drawers, I found her extra shoes. Every one of the drawers is full of stuff, so I will have to go through each one until I find something similar to Mom’s description.

Mom has Alzheimer’s disease, which comes with short-term memory lose and anger. The problem is that Mom knows what she is talking about, but cannot think of the name. I just hope that whatever she is looking for it is easy to find or I can find something that resembles the item. My only option is to find small object and keep showing them to her until she finds one she likes.