Depression Versus Happiness

Depression weary
My soul desires happiness
The Glory of God

 I, also, posted this in the journal Writing in Snow, under the folder Awardicon Items, in my writing.com port. I am Prosperous Snow.

Fighting a Battle

Fiḍál (Grace), 4 Jalál (Glory), 147 BE - Tuesday, April 11, 2017 CE about 12:56 PM Pacific Daylight Time 

I'm fighting a battle against depression. I think I may be losing. Every since the end of March everything seems to conspire against me and causing depression. The brakes need calipers for both the front and rear tires. Unfortunately, my financial situation is conspiring against me when it comes to getting them fixed. At this point I can see only one solution and that is just let the car sit where it is until next month. The problem is that something else is going to need fixing on the car next month. 

I am tired! 

I want to cry! 

I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle. 

On Wednesday, I have to go across town to the Social Security Office to see if I can get something cleared up with them. I tried doing it over the phone but was told I have to go into the office. I need to get a couple of fives changed into ones because I need $6.00 for that round trip. It is $3.00 one way and $3.00 the other. Then on Monday, I have a doctor's appointment across town. Fortunately, my health insurance will give me a free ride to the doctor's office and back. However, I still have to pick up my Senior Commodities this month which is another $6.00 to the paratransit bus. I'll make that appointment next week after I see the doctor. 

I need an attitude adjustment. 

I need to look at my situation through a different mindset. 

I know there is a solution which I cannot yet see . 

Creation Saturday: Dealing with Depression

Jalál (Glory), 18 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 173 BE - Saturday, February 4, 2017 AD about 12:46 PM Pacific Standard Time

First, I have the right date on this entry. I'm not sure what caused the confusion in dates except that when I sit up the writing.com journal entry I use the Baha'I date in I didn't check as close as I usually do.  Since I'm changing the way I make those entries I don't think I'll have that problem any more. I've been putting all the dates in at once. I'm changing that when I set the new entry up on Sunday or Monday. Instead o f putting all the date in at once, I'll just take it one day at a time. 

Second, I'm dealing with a bit of depression this afternoon. Part of the cause could be too many sweets. I had two donuts for my first breakfast and then for my second breakfast I had hotcakes with syrup. I'm feeling better now which means I can get back to reviewing and editing. I don't think I'll do any surveys today.  This morning I uploaded the scanner to the National Consumer Panel website and yesterday I put the one prescription I picked up this week in that RX Views Dairy. 

I don't want to aggravate the depression by doing anything that I know will frustrate me today. Once I feel that I can handle frustration a little better then I'll go back to doing survey. I don't think taking one or two days off is going to make much difference. I'll probably go back to doing the surveys sometime on Sunday. In the mean time writing, reviewing and editing doesn't frustrate me. In fact it makes me feel better emotionally. 

The Saddest Time of the Year

Jamál (Beauty), 15, Masá’il (Questions), 173 BE - Sunday, December 25, 2016 AD about 1:05 PM Pacific Standard Time. 

It's the holiday season 2016 which many people believe is the happiest time of the year. It isn't! For many people Christmas and the winter holidays bring depression and tears. There are many reasons for this; indeed, each depressed person has his or her own reason for feeling that way. Some of us have issues from our childhood that we can't let go. Some of us are missing relatives (siblings, spouses, parents, grandparents, children, or lovers) who have died. Some of us have a combination of reasons for our sadness, but all of us feel the some sort of depression or brown study around the holidays. 

Whatever causes our depression most of the time we put on a "happy face" so that we don't bring other's down during this time of year. We pretend to enjoy the festivities that bring others so much joy. In doing this we hope to find a reason to celebrate by pushing our reasons for being depressed to the side or deep into our subconscious. This doesn't help us overcome the feelings of depression. This doesn't help us enjoy the festivities. 

I turned 70 years old yesterday, December 24, and in doing so I had an epiphany. I realized that hiding the reasons for my depression during the holidays only makes it worse. Not facing the issues that cause my depression doesn't help let go of the past that haunts me all the time during the holiday season. As much as I don't want to burden others with my darkness, I can't keep the reason for my depression secret any longer therefore I will attempt to write about it. In fact I've already written about it today in my writing.com blog. Which is where I will make most of the entries about my depression. 

Midweek Reflections on Positive Thinking and Depression

'Idal (Justice), 16 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 172 BE - Wednesday, February 3, 2016 about 9:39 AM Pacific Standard Time

Sometimes blue Monday
hides the joy of a new week
with despair's dark clouds.

I don't mind starting a new workweek in a brown study looking at the dark clouds hiding the sun because I know that on Tuesday or Wednesday I will again be in the sun. I know that something will happen, usually half way through Monday or early Tuesday morning to brighten my outlook and bring back my positive mood. I can always find something to brighten my mood and chase away the negatives. Sometimes it's just knowing that darkness or clouds don't last forever and that sun the sun will come shining through changing my sadness to joy.

Wednesday morning blues
Usually sneaks up on me:
A shadow across the sun.

Wednesday blues can be more difficult to deal with because I'm at the top of the week's mountain. On the mountain top the sun is shining down while below me is spread the valleys of past and future. Behind me the Valley of the past is uncovered by clouds, but in front of me the Valley of the Future is hidden beneath a layer of dark clouds that let beams of light penetrate them to reveal small sections of the landscape.

It's the sections of the landscape I can't see
that depresses me.

I try to think positive, but positive thinking doesn't always scatter depression. This used to worry me; however, at 69 I've come to realize that positive thinking isn't facing reality. Life is full of ups and downs, of dark clouds and sunshine. In nature dark clouds usually foretell rain which is necessary to help crops grow. Crops need sunshine as well because if it rained all the time then it would wash out the crops and nothing would grow.

In order to grow
the human soul
need both joy and sorrow.

It's Wednesday. I'm dealing with Wednesday depression therefore I place the day in God's hands knowing that everything will work out according to Divine will. I do the same thing when I encounter the Monday blues. Everything always works out according to God's will. Each day I have to move forward into the darkness and the clouds knowing that eventually the sun will shine. This is a positive thought because I am looking for the sunlight rather then looking at the clouds or the darkness.

Midweek Reflections: Birds Singing Under a Cloudy Sky and I am Depressed

Idal (Justice), 10 ‘Alá (Loftiness), 171 BE - Wednesday, March 11, 2015 about 5:20 pm Pacific Daylight Time

The sun did not penetrate the could cover today. A bird is singing in the pine tree across the street. The bird obviously has something to sing about. I am not sure if I have anything to sing about. I am depressed. I may have a reason to be depressed or it could be the cloudy day. I can never tell at times like this because the clouds usually show up when I have something to be depressed about.

I am I depressed because I need to get some money into my bank account by Monday? Am I depressed because it is a cloudy day and I cannot feel the sun on my face? Am I depressed because I do not have enough money in my savings account to transfer to my checking account? Why am I depressed? Is the dreary day making my depression worse?

I wish I had an answer to all these questions. I want a job that will pay me money once or twice a month. I am semiretired which means I do not make enough to supplement the monthly check I have coming in. I am depressed. I am semiretired. I do not have to worry about food, but I have to worry about other things. I know one action I can take now to help me next month, but it will not give me any help this month. I will take that action tomorrow after I returned from the food bank.

Fortunately, I will work outside my house one day in April and one day in June. That helps a little, but not very much. I am thankful for what I have. I have enough food to eat. I can scrape enough money together once a month for gas in the car, but I have to be careful about driving the car because it uses gas, which I can only purchase once a month. Usually writing helps my depression, but this blog entry is not alleviating. I do not think it is making the problem worse, but it is not making it any better.

I am going to post this entry and then I will take my vitamin D tablet. After taking the vitamin I will say some prayers. After saying prayers, I will attempt to write a story or poem. I hope that one of those things helps my depression. I will be so glad to see the sunshine again.

Tuesday's Topic: Depression on a Cloudy Tuesday Afternoon

Fiḍal (Grace), 2 Sulṭán (Sovereignty), 171 BE - Tuesday, January 20, 2015 about 3:26 pm Pacific Standard Time

It is a cloudy Tuesday afternoon and I am depressed. I am not happy which means I need to take some type of action to solve the problems that may or may not be causing my depression. I have to find a dress clean dress or pair of slacks to wear when I go out on Wednesday. I have to attempt to find some help for my financial problems which are causing part of my depression. I am taking action on Wednesday morning to see if there is something someone can do to assist me in this issue.

I get the feeling there is a solution to my problem that I am not seeing. The only way to solve my problem is to take action of some type. The problem is that I am so low I believe or rather think that nothing I do will help. That may not be true. I need to take action instead of worrying. I am going to attempt to get a signature loan on Wednesday morning. I hope I can get it because I have to find a way to get my car tag next week.

I pray I am doing the right thing. I know that everything will eventually level out and I will be able to increase my income to pay for the signature loan. I have to keep an up beat attitude and avoid depression. Depression cause me to procrastinate, which does not help my situation. Procrastination only makes the situation worse. Procrastination is like clouds it only makes depression worse. Worrying works the same way as procrastination and clouds.

The only things that seem to help my depression is writing, praying, taking action, and sunshine. Since I suspect sunshine is a few days away the only other alternatives are prayer, writing, and taking action. I can deal with depression easier when I do one or all of those things. I wish everyone a happy Tuesday.

A Cloudy Friday in Las Vegas

Istiqlal (Independence), 13 Qawl (Speech), 171 BE - Friday, December 5, 2014 about 10:46 am Pacific Standard Time.

It is a cloudy 56 degrees here in Las Vegas. I think my mood has something to do with the cloudy and dreary look of the day. I am feeling down, however, the birds are singing and chattering in the trees. The joy of the birds contrast the look and feel of Friday, December 5.

I have the front door open so that I can hear the birds. I hope they can brighten my mood because something has to otherwise I will not accomplish anything today. All morning I have felt gray and depressed, which is the way the clouds look. I am tired of feeling down because I do not  think I have a reason to be depressed..

I am going to take the trash out  as soon as the postman comes. Perhaps the walk to the alley and back will cheer me up. I have a lot to do today and this weekend, I cannot afford to be depressed because I will not accomplishing anything. I am posting this before it becomes a rant.

Tribulation Tuesday: Tuesday Afternoon Depression

Fiḍál (Grace), 19 Kamál (Perfection), 171 BE - Tuesday, August 19, 2014 about 3:17 pm Pacific Daylight Time

It's a depressing Tuesday afternoon. I think I should say it's Tuesday afternoon and I'm depressed. I don't know why I'm depressed so I'm going to focus on writing instead of the depression. Writing usually helps me overcome the desire to cry on my keyboard, which would short out the keyboard. Since I'm depress I will ramble instead of focusing on one subject.

It's Tuesday afternoon, I'm depressed. Depression is part of the tribulation I deal with on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. The time period of my depression depends on a number of things and sometimes I don't know what triggers the depression. At other times I suspect the depression is caused by my negative thoughts or whatever I ate for lunch or dinner. Composing this blog entry helps alleviate the depression because it refocuses my thought.

There was a time when I wasn't as open about the depression as today. I don't think hiding the problems helps. I think hiding the problem just makes the depression worse because if I hide it, if I don't admit it exists, I can't ask for help. If I hide it I can't go to my friends and say "I'm depressed! Can we talk about it?" I think this entry has come to an end because I'm not depressed any more. Writing about it has helped. Writing about it always helps.

Midweek Reflections: Keeping Depression at Bay

‘Idál (Justice), 13 Kamál (Perfection), 171 BE - Wednesday, August 13, 2014 about 6:56 pm Pacific Daylight Time

It's Wednesday afternoon and I'm depressed. I'm not sure why I'm depressed, but one reason may be that I haven't been making any entries in my Pen & Paper Journal. I haven't made an entry in that journal in a couple of months, so today I started a an entry. I haven't finished it yet because I wrote half a paragraph and fell asleep before I finished it. I'll finish that entry this evening.

The weird thing is that this morning I felt find. No depression even though it was cloudy and looked rainy. I was find until this afternoon and the depression hit me like a bolt of lightning. I wanted to cry, I'm past the tears stage now. As long as I write, the depression doesn't bother me and appears to go away entirely. It doesn't bother me as long as I write; however, I can't write all the time because I have housework and laundry to do. I'm considering going to the laundromat on Friday morning before I go to the grocery store for some food stuff and other supplies.

I may not go to the grocery store until Saturday. I haven't been out of the house all week, so that could be one reason I'm depressed. The only thing I've did outside the house is take the trash to the alley and then walk back to the apartment. I usually try to take the trash early in the morning, but maybe I need to do it closer to noon so that I can get more sunshine.

I'll finish the letter to Baha'u'llah I started in my Pen & Paper Journal, maybe that will reveal why I'm depressed. Not that I would write the reason for my depression in a blog entry. Writing why I'm depressed is too personal right now and I can't get up the courage to write about it online, which is the reason I keep a Pen & Paper Journal. I think this is the most I've ever written about my depression online. I might try this again later in the week.

I Took the Test for Depression Today

Istijlál (Majesty), 14 Mashíyyat (Will), 170 BE - Thursday, October 10, 2013 about 8:03 AM Pacific Daylight Time

October 10 is National Screening for Depression Day, therefore, I did an online search for Depression Test. I then took the test because I have been feeling unhappy and sad for sometime. I encourage anyone who is feeling down and cannot shake that emotion to take the test and then contact his or her doctor. The following is my results.

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Very Slight
Cyclothymia:	Slight-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Monday's Malady

Kamál (Perfection), 9 ‘Izzat (Might), 170 BE - Monday, September 16, 2013 about 8:11 AM Pacific Daylight Time

Is depression a malady? I looked up the definition and found  that the word refers to a bodily affliction or some type of complication. Since depression complicates both my day and my life, I suppose it could be referred to as a malady.

Is depression worse on Monday then any other day of the week? I have to do research on this question to answer it properly. I know that today, Monday, September 16, 2013, depression kicked me in the face  this morning. The problem could be caused by lack of food, I still have to fix myself some breakfast.

The depression could also be caused by lack of sunlight. I went outside  twice today, once to take some trash to the garage and pick up the newspaper. The second time I had some recyclables to take to the garage. I did not remain outside very long, so perhaps I need to get more sunlight.

Maybe a glass of orange juice would help alleviate the depression. I have a container of juice in the refrigerator and I will open it when I fix breakfast. I am going to have fried potatoes and eggs this morning, with coffee and juice. If that does not take care of the depression then I will have to try something else, but, at the moment, I am not sure what.

Midweek Reflections: What I have learned about my depression

‘Idál (Justice), 10 Rahmat (Mercy), 170 BE – Wednesday, July 3, 2013 about 11:18 AM Pacific Daylight Time

July 3, 2013 and the year is half over. There are only a few more months until my birthday and I turn 67. I have to begin making some changes in my life and my attitude. It seems to me that I have spent the last six months depressed; however, I know that is not true.

I know that there have been hours, days, and weeks during the past six months that the depression did not rear its ugly head. I have learned that if I get out of the house, especially during the daylight hours I am less depressed.

I know that worry adds to my depression and that prayer helps alleviate the worry. When I put a situation in God’s hands, I worry less and therefore am less depressed. I also know that taking action on a situation alleviates my worry, which helps disperse the darkness and negative thoughts that indicate I am depressed.

Another thing that helps assuage my depression is writing. It does not seem to matter what I write because focusing on the words takes my focus off my depression and worries. It also helps to write about what I am worried about, which I do in my off line journal.

I want to cry

Fidál (Grace), 14 Núr (Light), 170 BE – Tuesday, June 18, 2013 about 10:38 AM Pacific Daylight Time

I want to cry,
I don’t know why,
but I want to cry.

I’m not sure what the problem is, but suddenly I wanted to cry. It could be the results of my breakfast of eggs, cheese, and fish sticks. It could be something else causing this feeling. I feel as if I am descending into a well of depression. I feel like I am falling into a deep, dark pit. Therefore, I sit down to write about the way I feel.

Normally I would write about this feeling in my offline journal, Writing My Spiritual Journey; however, not this morning. I’m going to make this blog entry about the depression. Writing helps me figure out the reason for my dark mood. Writing, also, helps me overcome it; writing down my feels helps me sort out the reason for the way I feel.

The darkness has started to pass. I no longer want to cry, so I suspect it had something to do with my breakfast. I don’t know how that could be because I have ate those items for breakfast before and not wanted to cry. I should talk to my doctor about this the next time I see her, but I am not sure when my next appointment is supposed to occur. I think I had better call her office and find out.

I don’t think I’m supposed to see her before November or December. I could be wrong about that and since I don’t think the office has my new phone number they can’t get hold of me. I’ll give them a call with the new number.

Positive or Negative Friday

Istiqlál (Independence), 11 Jalál (Glory), 170 BE - Friday, April 19, 2013 about 7:52 AM Pacific Daylight Time

It's Friday morning and I'm attempting to keep the positive attitude I had when I woke up. The blues hit me suddenly like someone lowering a shade in a room. I don't think there is any reason for me to be depressed today. Thursday was a good day, it was a productive day.

On Thursday I completed a 500 plus essay and a 1000 plus short story. I submitted both items before the 8:59 PM Pacific Time Deadline. I picked up my April senior food allotment and received a wonderful surprise. I was given a frozen cut up whole chicken, the chicken remained frozen on the drive home, and I was able to put it in my freezer. I also picked up a free loaf of day old bread, so I can have grilled cheese sandwiches or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches this weekend.

I suppose there are some negatives, I ran out of coffee yesterday, but I still have a lot of tea bags in the house. I enjoy tea, perhaps not as much as coffee, but it will do in a pinch. I could be a bit depressed at the thought of not having coffee; however, I haven't been without it even twenty-four hours. I don't think lack of caffeine is the reason for my slight depression.

I'm not going to worry about the reason now because the depression has passed. My depression always passes when I sit down to write about it. I think it is the positive activity of writing and helps lighten my mind.